HI. I'm Francine Colman-Gutierrez. Here are some things you are wrong about.

Fireworks: Actually, they're for people who wear sunglasses on the back of their head.

Fireworks: Actually, they're for people who wear Under Armour in public.

Fireworks: They're for people who drive Ford F-150 trucks, but never carry anything in the back.

Fireworks: They're for people named Brett, Kyle, or Tyler.

Fireworks: They're for people who live vicariously through fantasy football.

Fireworks: For people who wear a Bluetooth—even while shooting off fireworks.

Fireworks: For people who think having a tattoo somehow makes them unique.

Fireworks: For people who drive shirtless.

Fireworks: For people who have ever said the phrase, "You do you."

Fireworks: For people who Instagram pictures of their back muscles.

Fireworks: For people who won't remove the sticker on the brim of their baseball cap.

Fireworks: For people who wear baseball caps to the side or backward.

Fireworks: For people who wear baseball caps.

Fireworks: For people who talk on their phone at the cash register.

Fireworks: For people who spend more than five minutes a day on Facebook.

Fireworks: For people who wear Crocs.

Fireworks: For people who aren't gay, but still buy Men's Health magazine.

Fireworks: For people who use the word "bro" instead of a period.

Fireworks: For people who like Eminem.

Fireworks: For people whose car engine is louder than a fire engine.

Fireworks: For people who own at least three OSU T-shirts.

Fireworks: For people who have ever gotten angry about a soccer game.

Fireworks: For people who claim to love America, but mostly just shit-talk it.

Fireworks: For people who like to make out on a blanket as fireworks explode in the sky overhead. I hate those motherfuckers.