PREDICTION! New Mayor Ted Wheeler will remove current commissioners, replacing them with old college drinking buddies and Fembots, because fuck it, apparently there are no more rules.

PREDICTION! Portland will get a new pop-up restaurant with an ampersand in its name. It will be open for 20 minutes per day and only serve artisanal pickles.

PREDICTION! Voters will approve fluoride as a means to keep streets clear during winter storms.

PREDICTION! Following Roe v. Wade being overturned, Portland’s “abortion tourism industry” will boom. (Thanks in part to each patient receiving a dozen Voodoo Doughnuts!)

PREDICTION! A hostile federal government will cause cannabis shops to close in record numbers. “Niiiiiice,” says Stinky Dean, your old weed dealer, who you’ll be glad to know still remembers where you live.

PREDICTION! Whoops, Stinky Dean doesn’t know where you live, because rising rents forced you to move to Estacada. Meet Rockin’ Rob, your new meth dealer!

PREDICTION! On the upside, while all the weed shops will close, they’ll be replaced by IUDs ‘R’ Us.

PREDICTION! Oregon will legalize recreational use of all drugs—except for cocaine, because you’re an asshole on cocaine.

PREDICTION! Watch out, Portland: Snakes are the new goats.

PREDICTION! Portlanders will gentrify homelessness, popularizing organic, hand-woven sleeping bags and modern-vintage mental illness.

PREDICTION! Guy in your Twitter mentions will still be really mad about Bernie losing the primary.

PREDICTION! 2017: Just like 2016, but with a lot more burn barrels.

PREDICTION! Google Fiber texts Portland at 2 am: “Hey bae u up? still want some of dis hi-speed internet?” Despite numerous frantic return texts from Portland, Google ghosts and is never heard from again.

PREDICTION! Ha, that’s cute you think there will be a 2017.