Ryan Alexander-Tanner

As puny human know, HULK POOR AS DIRT. Price of living too high! Plus Hulk get fired (again!) from Forever 21! So Hulk need money. But Hulk have IDEA! Hulk hear Republicans want to SMASH Obamacare and replace with “something better.” But they don’t know what! That where Hulk come in! Lucky for them, Hulk invent new health plan: HULKARE! (That pronounced “Hulk Care,” not “Hulk Are.” Hulk admit name need work.) Anyway, Hulk sell Hulkare to Republicans, Republicans give Hulkare to poor people, Hulk become millionaire! Want to learn more about Hulkare? Okay!

HULKARE CHEAPER THAN OBAMACARE! Ambulance rides expensive with Obamacare! Hulk bypass puny middle man by putting sick people on Hulk back and JUMPING to hospital! (Hulk also give sick people ride on Hulk recumbent bike... if Hulk can get it out of shop next week.)

WITH HULKARE, DOCTOR EASY TO FIND! That because there only one doctor: Doctor Strange! (Doctor Doom am out of network.)

HULKARE OFFER FREE RADIATION TREATMENT! Administrated by puny Bruce Banner! What can go wrong?

PUNY HUMANS CANNOT BE EXCLUDED FROM HULKARE! Even if you puny or have other prior condition. No exception! Okay, three exception:

Hawkeye: Stupid Hawkeye poke himself in eye with arrow, like, every other week. HULK NOT COVER STUPIDITY.

Drunk Tony Stark: Sorry Drunk Tony, but decades-long extreme alcoholism not “disease.” Ha! Ha! Nice try!

Black Widow: Hulk make Black Widow pretty gift basket full of contraceptive. Hulk get slapped in face! HULK KNOW HULK NOT PLANNED PARENTHOOD, BUT C’MON!

So call your puny congress human right now! Say if you can’t have Obamacare, you guess Hulkare will do! And in meantime? DON’T GET SICK! Hulk feeling little under the weather Hulkself these days. Hulk no need your gross germs.