Ryan Alexander-Tanner

The following is a transcript from last week’s “Hulk Town Hall” held at Hillside High School auditorium, in which Hulk answered questions from his constituents.

[Hulk enters stage to a huge chorus of “boos” from the audience.]

HULK: Wait... what? Why constituents boo Hulk? Hulk just got here!

WOMAN AT MIC: Hulk, Captain America has expressed support for the LGBT community and immigrants, while you’ve said nothing. Hulk, DO YOUR JOB!

AUDIENCE: DO YOUR JOB! DO YOUR JOB! DO YOUR JOB!

HULK: Hulk can’t do job, Hot Topic lay off Hulk last week! [Audience loudly boos.] What am going on here? Hulk try to answer puny human questions, and you boo Hulk? [Even louder chorus of boos.] Hulk boo you! Boo, puny humans, BOOOOOOO!

CHILD AT MIC: Hulk, I thought you were nice. Why do you want to take away PBS Kids? [Cheers, adults give child high fives.]

HULK: Am world gone mad? [Crowd boos.] What am puny child talking about? Hulk love PBS Kids—remember Barney & Friends?

AUDIENCE: [Boos, then chants] MA-GIC SCHOOL-BUS! MA-GIC SCHOOL-BUS! MA-GIC SCHOOL-BUS!

HULK: Magic School Bus overrated! [Crowd boos.] Next puny question!

SUAVE MUSTACHIOED MAN AT MIC: Hulk, you say you like science, and yet you do everything you can to discredit “puny” Bruce Banner. [Crowd cheers.] Sounds like quite a disconnect to me!

HULK: Who let drunk Tony Stark in here? Him paid protester! [Crowd boos.]

SUAVE MUSTACHIOED MAN AT MIC: Actually I paid these people. [Crowd cheers.]

HULK: Stop yaying drunk Tony Stark! Him terrible person! [Crowd boos.] And stop with the “boos”—or you make drunk Tony Stark thirsty. Heh. Get it?

SUAVE MUSTACHIOED MAN AT MIC: That was a stupid joke.

HULK: YOU AM STUPID JOKE! [Crowd boos.] Look! Hulk only do town hall so Hulk can make new constituent friends!

SOMEONE FROM THE CROWD: What about your close relationship with Russia? [Crowd cheers.]

HULK: That am FAKE NEWS! And don’t bring up Black Widow to Hulk! (Sobs.) BLACK WIDOW BREAK HULK’S HEART!

[Hulk smashes the podium into splinters and escapes by crashing through ceiling. Next week on C-SPAN: Doctor Doom Town Hall.]