Dear Saudi Mystical Orb,

I’m the President of the United States—actually, the best president of the United States—everybody agrees, nobody has been better than me. Like, ever. But this fake news Russia thing? It’s a witch hunt, okay? Biggest witch hunt ever—by far. And I’m not even a witch! It’s just another made-up story dreamed up by Democrats because they lost an election they should have won—and lost it by millions, okay? Biggest loss ever. Embarrassing! Anyway, no collusion with the Russians, James Comey is a crazy nut job, and why are they coming after me and ignoring all the crimes—big, BIG crimes—committed by Hillary and Obama? No politician in history—and I say this with great surety—has been treated worse or more unfairly. And what about Obamacare? It’s collapsing, right? It’s dead, it’s dying. Death spiral! Everybody knows it, but why aren’t they worried about that? That’s not my question. Here’s my question. Are you ready for it? Because it’s really, really great. O GREAT MYSTICAL SAUDI ORB... what does my future hold for me? Something good, right? Like, the entire world realizing I’m not colluding—like, AT ALL—with the Russians, and that I’m innocent... and the BEST at being innocent... and that the FAKE MEDIA is just making up stories because they’re jealous that I’m the best. And they’re totally ignoring all the jobs I’m creating! Jobs are rolling into this country! Coal miners! WORKING! Automobile workers! WORKING! Because of me! No other president has accomplished what I have. None! And I’d get a lot more done if it weren’t for those corrupt circuit court judges. Not fair! And NAFTA is a disaster. Also not fair! Anyway... okay, here’s my question, like, for real. O GREAT MYSTICAL SAUDI ORB... when are people going to start recognizing that I’m great, and treating me fair? Because at this point, I am NOT being treated fairly, and in fact, no president has EVER been treated so UNFAIRLY, and besides....—Donald J. Trump, Washington, DC

The Mystical Saudi Orb Responds: Oh My God, will you SHUT THE FUCK UP?? You’re the worst president ever, you’re totally colluding with the Russians and everybody knows it, your wife doesn’t love you, your golf game sucks, and in a few months you’ll be impeached and imprisoned for 15 years after being convicted of various financial crimes as well as TREASON. Okay?!? Jesus Christ! Ugggnnnhh. Who let this guy in here??