Dear Saudi Mystical Orb,
Iâm the President of the United Statesâactually, the best president of the United Statesâeverybody agrees, nobody has been better than me. Like, ever. But this fake news Russia thing? Itâs a witch hunt, okay? Biggest witch hunt everâby far. And Iâm not even a witch! Itâs just another made-up story dreamed up by Democrats because they lost an election they should have wonâand lost it by millions, okay? Biggest loss ever. Embarrassing! Anyway, no collusion with the Russians, James Comey is a crazy nut job, and why are they coming after me and ignoring all the crimesâbig, BIG crimesâcommitted by Hillary and Obama? No politician in historyâand I say this with great suretyâhas been treated worse or more unfairly. And what about Obamacare? Itâs collapsing, right? Itâs dead, itâs dying. Death spiral! Everybody knows it, but why arenât they worried about that? Thatâs not my question. Hereâs my question. Are you ready for it? Because itâs really, really great. O GREAT MYSTICAL SAUDI ORB... what does my future hold for me? Something good, right? Like, the entire world realizing Iâm not colludingâlike, AT ALLâwith the Russians, and that Iâm innocent... and the BEST at being innocent... and that the FAKE MEDIA is just making up stories because theyâre jealous that Iâm the best. And theyâre totally ignoring all the jobs Iâm creating! Jobs are rolling into this country! Coal miners! WORKING! Automobile workers! WORKING! Because of me! No other president has accomplished what I have. None! And Iâd get a lot more done if it werenât for those corrupt circuit court judges. Not fair! And NAFTA is a disaster. Also not fair! Anyway... okay, hereâs my question, like, for real. O GREAT MYSTICAL SAUDI ORB... when are people going to start recognizing that Iâm great, and treating me fair? Because at this point, I am NOT being treated fairly, and in fact, no president has EVER been treated so UNFAIRLY, and besides....âDonald J. Trump, Washington, DC
The Mystical Saudi Orb Responds: Oh My God, will you SHUT THE FUCK UP?? Youâre the worst president ever, youâre totally colluding with the Russians and everybody knows it, your wife doesnât love you, your golf game sucks, and in a few months youâll be impeached and imprisoned for 15 years after being convicted of various financial crimes as well as TREASON. Okay?!? Jesus Christ! Ugggnnnhh. Who let this guy in here??