Dear Motorist Stuck on the Hawthorne Bridge for 45 Minutes: My parents are visiting Portland for the first time. Can you suggest any cool places to take them? âJanice R., Southeast Portland
GAAAAAHHHHH FUCKING GODDAMN TRAFFIC SHIT FUCK... MOVE!! (Honk! Honk!) MOVE YOUR GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT CAR!! (Honk!) YOU WANT SOME ADVICE? TELL YOUR PARENTS TO STAY AWAY FROM PORTLAND, UNLESS THEY WANT TO BE STUCK FOREVER IN A GODDAMN TRAFFIC SHITSHOW! (Hoooonk!) MOVE! MOVE ALREADY, YOU IDIOT!
Dear Motorist Stuck on the Hawthorne Bridge for 45 Minutes: I love my husband dearly, but heâs constantly interrupting me. He even interrupts when I point out his interruptions! How can I be expected... âDonna W., Beaverton
(Hoooooooooonk! Honk! Honk! Hoooooooonk!) WHAT... WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PERSON DOING? DID YOU SEE THAT? HIS STUPID TRUCK ALMOST MERGED RIGHT INTO ME! NO SIGNAL, NO NOTHING! HEY! HEY DUMMY! YOUâRE NOT GONNA GET HOME ANY FASTER, DIM BULB!! OHHHH, OF COURSE! HEâS FROM CALIFORNIA. HEY DIPSTICK! YOUâRE THE REASON WEâRE ALL STUCK IN TRAFFIC, MORON!! (Honk! Honk! Honk!)
Dear Motorist Stuck on the Hawthorne Bridge for 45 Minutes: Thereâs a woman at work whoâs single, and we flirt occasionally. Whatâs the best way to ask her out without coming off like a creep? âDon B., Northwest Portland
OH GOD, KILL ME! I CANâT STAND IT ANYMORE! IâM GOING INSANE, AND THE CITY DOESNâT CARE! THEY JUST KEEP CLOSING BRIDGES AND SHUTTING DOWN LANES, TRAPPING ME LIKE A RAT! AND THOSE BICYCLISTS, THEY JUST KEEP SPEEDING BY, SMIRKING! HEY! HEY, HIPSTER BIKE TRASH! YOU THINK YOUâRE HOT SNOT, DONâTCHA? WELL... WELL... (Sobs.) YOUâRE NOT. YOUâRE JUST... not. (Sobs.) And while youâre home kissing your probably hot girlfriend, Iâll still be here, rotting away on this bridge, missing my family and sipping on a crushed half-empty Capri Sun thatâs been sitting in the backseat for a month. Please... Please, god. Just let me off this bri... HEY! HEY!!! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TRYING TO MERGE IN FRONT OF ME AGAIN?? FUCK (Honk!) YOU (Honk!), CALIFORNIA! (Honk!) FUCK (Honk! Honnnnnnnnk! HONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNâ)