Dear Benny Henderson, the Child Detective: I’m a private detective in Washington County. I’ve got strong suspicions that a local, very wealthy member of our community is kidnapping teenage runaways and possibly murdering them. The cops won’t touch the case, and now I’ve noticed a strange van parked outside my home. I want to do the right thing, but frankly, I’m terrified. What should I do?

—Anonymous, Washington County

Hi, Mr. Anonymous! Ugh, what an awful situation! But I think the answer is pretty obvious. (1) Tell your parents or principal. (2) Take your parents with you to the van parked outside, and tell the driver to take you to the murderer’s house. (3) Tell the murderer “the jig is up,” and to turn himself in. (4) If he refuses, judo flip him into a bunch of trash cans, put him in the van, and tell the driver to take him to the police station. Hope that helps!

Dear Benny Henderson, the Child Detective: I’m an actual police detective, and you need to stop interfering with our investigations. You’ve been spotted at several active crime scenes and have contaminated much of the evidence. In one instance, we found Skittles in the open wound of a murder victim. We’re impressed with your enthusiasm, but stay away or we’ll be forced to prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law.

Det. Danny Lewis, Portland Police Bureau, Homicide Division

Hi, Mr. Det. Lewis! Thanks for writing! Wow! A real police detective! I’m gonna be you when I grow up! In the meantime, please return my Skittles. Keeping them is a crime. Also, a rich murderer is killing people in Washington County. Please arrest him—unless you want me to keep doing your job. Hope that helps!

Dear Benny Henderson, the Child Detective: I’m in prison because of you. Your testimony as an “expert witness” (which didn’t make any goddamn sense) sent me away for 25 years on a racketeering charge, even though I’m completely innocent. Now my life and my family’s lives are ruined. But make no mistake, Benny Henderson—if it’s the last thing I do, I’m going to GET YOU.

—Frank Gordon, Oregon Federal Penitentiary

Hi, Mr. Gordon! What are you going to get me? I’d really like a Hot Wheels Turbo Garage playset. And Skittles, please! I love Skittles! Thank you so much! Hope that helps!