Dear Benny Henderson, the Child Detective: Iām a private detective in Washington County. Iāve got strong suspicions that a local, very wealthy member of our community is kidnapping teenage runaways and possibly murdering them. The cops wonāt touch the case, and now Iāve noticed a strange van parked outside my home. I want to do the right thing, but frankly, Iām terrified. What should I do?
āAnonymous, Washington County
Hi, Mr. Anonymous! Ugh, what an awful situation! But I think the answer is pretty obvious. (1) Tell your parents or principal. (2) Take your parents with you to the van parked outside, and tell the driver to take you to the murdererās house. (3) Tell the murderer āthe jig is up,ā and to turn himself in. (4) If he refuses, judo flip him into a bunch of trash cans, put him in the van, and tell the driver to take him to the police station. Hope that helps!
Dear Benny Henderson, the Child Detective: Iām an actual police detective, and you need to stop interfering with our investigations. Youāve been spotted at several active crime scenes and have contaminated much of the evidence. In one instance, we found Skittles in the open wound of a murder victim. Weāre impressed with your enthusiasm, but stay away or weāll be forced to prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law.
āDet. Danny Lewis, Portland Police Bureau, Homicide Division
Hi, Mr. Det. Lewis! Thanks for writing! Wow! A real police detective! Iām gonna be you when I grow up! In the meantime, please return my Skittles. Keeping them is a crime. Also, a rich murderer is killing people in Washington County. Please arrest himāunless you want me to keep doing your job. Hope that helps!
Dear Benny Henderson, the Child Detective: Iām in prison because of you. Your testimony as an āexpert witnessā (which didnāt make any goddamn sense) sent me away for 25 years on a racketeering charge, even though Iām completely innocent. Now my life and my familyās lives are ruined. But make no mistake, Benny Hendersonāif itās the last thing I do, Iām going to GET YOU.
āFrank Gordon, Oregon Federal Penitentiary
Hi, Mr. Gordon! What are you going to get me? Iād really like a Hot Wheels Turbo Garage playset. And Skittles, please! I love Skittles! Thank you so much! Hope that helps!