It’s that time of year again: Long-lost relatives and forgotten friends are sending out their annual “holiday form letters”—letting you know everything they’ve been up to over the past year! Even though you didn’t ask! Even though you don’t care!
As you may know, these whimsical updates have their own language. To help you better understand what they’re really saying, we’ve compiled the following guide. Ho! Ho! Ho! You’re welcome.
“Ben is loving his new role as a stay-at-home dad!” = Ben got fired, please send money.
“We’re lucky to have had so much time with him, and he made our lives so much brighter!” = Our dog got hit by a car because he bolted into the street like a goddamn moron.
“The best news is, of course, our family is about to get even bigger!” = Alyssa ignored every single safe-sex talk we had and got herself knocked up, which is going to make her sophomore year pretty difficult.
“Luckily, we managed to get away for a few days—to Hawai’i!” = We are richer than you, and we will always be richer than you.
“Grandpa Jerry’s spirits have never been higher, and the treatments are going great!” = Grandpa Jerry wants to die, but we won’t let him.
“We’ve loved getting reacquainted with our smart, handsome son Tim—who’s been helping out a ton around the house!” = Tim dropped out of college and now spends his time masturbating in the basement.
“Jennie’s 100 percent committed to bonding with the family and turning over a new leaf!” = Passive-aggressive dig at Jennie, who has been living on their couch since June, and who also loves meth.
“You’re always welcome to come visit!” = Passive-aggressive dig at you for not coming to visit.
“Remember the reason for the season!” = If your holiday doesn’t celebrate Jesus, it ain’t shit.
“Dennis ran his first 5k this year!” = Dennis’ doctor told him to lose 50 pounds or die.
“Dennis is also helping us eat healthier—we’ve even tried kale, haha!” = Guess what, Dennis also has adult-onset diabetes.
“It’s been a tough year, but we’re stronger for getting through it together!” = Divorce.
“In these trying times, let us all follow His guidance and remember that we are Blessed” = We voted for Roy Moore.