Ryan Alexander-Tanner

Hulk have question: AM PUNY PORTLANDERS GONE STUPID? Hulk under impression puny humans know how newspapers work! But apparently Hulk have to remind puny dummies: Newspapers—in particular Hulk column—tell puny humans how to vote (them called “endorsements”) AND THEN PUNY HUMANS VOTE FOR WHO HULK SAY! Because if puny humans vote opposite of what Hulk say, there not much point of Hulk making endorsements, am there?!?

On primary day Hulk very excited—until results roll in! That when it become very clear puny humans not support any of Hulk candidates—like, at all! Where am votes for puny city council candidate Jeff Malone, who work at Dairy Queen down street from Hulk house? HIM NOT EVEN SHOW UP ON RESULTS! Where am votes for Hulk favorite EDM DJ and party rocker, DJ Dog Dick? Him coolest candidate in race! (Need Hulk remind puny human that him vape?) Apparently fickle puny Portlanders too good for Dog Dick!

Oh! But then come dagger through Hulk heart! Only 17 puny humans vote for super cute Emma Stone?!? AM DEMOCRACY DEAD?? Hulk thought Hulk very clear: If puny humans not elect super cute Emma Stone governor of Oregon there NO WAY she go on date with Hulk! Now super cute Emma Stone not return Hulk calls! Super cute Emma Stone block Hulk on Twitter! Super cute Emma Stone send Hulk restraining order, and worse? Super cute Emma Stone cancel bridal registry at Bed Bath & Beyond! HULK REALLY NEED THAT LOOFAH!

Screw YOU, puny humans. That’s right! Hulk say it: SCREW. YOU. If puny humans won’t listen to newspaper—and especially MOVIE STAR like Hulk (see Hulk in Avengers: Infinity War now playing at theater near puny humans)—then puny humans deserve terrible America puny humans get!

But hear Hulk now: Even though puny humans am dumb and vote against self-interest, HULK NOT GIVE UP! Hulk still believe in political process, and as God as Hulk’s witness, Hulk will convince puny humans to do as Hulk say in upcoming fall election. Because Hulk am pushing ballot measure that puny Portlanders will support 100 percent: FLUORIDE.

See puny human on November 6, shitheads!