On behalf of the Royal Canadian Navy, Iām simply thrilled to be visiting Portland, Oregon, for Fleet Week. However, please be advised I have very high expectations for the way Canadian naval personnel are treated while visiting your fair city:
ā¢ As a member of the Royal Canadian Navy, I deserve the same respect as my US Navy brethren. I do not appreciate being mocked! Canadians fight and serve our country as well as any American. (Itās true!) And while our sailor caps may resemble berets, they are not! We are not French! Please stop asking us for baguettes, or to paint a picture of a sad clown.
ā¢ Whatās wrong with berets, anyway? Berets are distinguished, and certainly more attractive than your Navyās silly āPopeyeā hats.
ā¢ Speaking of Popeye: No, I do not eat spinach. Nor do I say āack-ack-ackā when I laugh. And I resent the implication! Besides, we donāt even have Popeye in Canada. We have Drake.
ā¢ Speaking of Drake, heās ours. Your country has plenty of celebrities, and we only have three: Drake, Celine Dion, and Ryan Gosling. Oh, and Avril Lavigne, so make that four. Anyway, hands off Drake.
ā¢ And no, we donāt claim Justin Bieber. Stop asking. Heās yours now. Why? Because you treated us like shit.
ā¢ Speaking of being treated like shit, I would appreciate the same sexual courtesy you afford American sailors. Canadians are well known for their sexual prowess, and yet apparently you prefer having coitus with our American counterparts. Itās because our caps look like berets, isnāt it?
ā¢ Not that youāve done any research on the subject, but it might interest you to know that Canadians are especially conversant in the art of love. We are polite, meticulously groomed, and always ask for consentāup to 17 times on occasion.
ā¢ If you donāt believe me, ask Miriam Bergeron. She lives in Halifax, the provincial capital of Nova Scotia. Miriam wrote the following glowing recommendation that she has allowed me to share with any potential paramour. It reads thusly: āAble Seaman Liam Tremblay, a member of Her Royal Majestyās Navy, is both a man of honor and a gentleman with no small amount of sexual expertise. He was my first lover, and he shall be my last. Full disclosure: I have terminal cancer.ā
ā¢ And with that, you are now well versed in the expectations of visiting Royal Canadian Naval personnel! To recap: Weāre not French, donāt care for spinach, Drake is ours, Justin Bieber is yours, and if it pleases you, have sexual intercourse with me. Look for me on your waterfrontāIāll be wearing the beret. I mean, the Canadian sailorās cap! OH, DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!