Mercury Staff and tap10 / getty images

Uber and Lyft? YAWN. Bike-share programs? SNOOZE. E-scooters? PLEASE BE QUIET, YOU’RE BORING US TO DEATH!

Now there’s a better, more exciting way to get around... the HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICK!

Here’s why HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICKS are superior to all other modes of transportation:

► Unlike regular pogo sticks, HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICKS are super-charged by clean, renewable nuclear energy. That’s why you can cover 30 yards in a single jump and reach a height of 18 feet! Can your stupid Lyft driver do that?

► Say you want to ride your e-scooter from Downtown to the Central Eastside. It’s gonna take FOREVER, idiot! E-scooters only go 15 mph! THAT’S TOO SLOW. The HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICK can clear the entire Burnside Bridge in FIVE HOPS! In fact, if you’re not careful, you might wind up in Troutdale!

► Can e-scooters climb stairs? You’re joking me, right? Is this some sort of fucking joke? E-SCOOTERS CAN’T CLIMB STAIRS—BUT THE HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICK CAN!

► How many times has this happened to you: “Oh no! My e-scooter just ran over some dog shit!” Everybody else: “Ha ha ha, you’re stupid! Should’ve gotten a HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICK—they hop right over dog shit! Ha ha ha, you’re dumb!”

Ugh! Look at you! You’re leaving your carbon footprint everywhere! The rubber tip on the end of the HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICK is only two inches in diameter—much smaller than your foot. Therefore the HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICK is better for the environment than walking! WHY DO YOU HATE THE ENVIRONMENT SO MUCH?

► Face facts: HOPSTER ™ E-POGO STICKS are cool, and all other modes of transportation are SUPER UN-COOL. Here’s a short list of celebrities who think the idea of you on a HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICK is really cool: Cardi B, Ryan Gosling, LeBron James, Dave Chappelle, Beyoncé, and Michelle Obama. Here’s a list of people who would rather see you on an e-scooter: Bill Cosby, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kellyanne Conway, and your sixth grade gym teacher.

So hop to it, Portland!