VANCOUVER, Washington (AP)—A spoiled carton of milk claims that its “freedom to poison” has been violated by a Vancouver man who accused the milk of ruining his bowl of breakfast cereal.
According to the man’s victim impact statement, it only took one spoonful of milk-soaked Honey Nut Cheerios for Danny Lister, 28, to realize something was wrong.
“Instead of delicious cereal, my mouth was full of rancid, semi-solid chunks of milk,” Lister said. “I could have been poisoned! I spit it out immediately, of course... but what happens now? How am I supposed to enjoy my Honey Nut Cheerios after this milk has victimized me?”
While the carton of milk, expiration date 10/30/18, admits that its freshness date had long passed, it added that spoiled milk is often “misunderstood,” and “subject to unfair treatment” from consumers like Lister.
“People accuse me of being ‘spoiled,’” the milk said using air quotes. “But no one wants to see it from my perspective. I just want to start a conversation, okay? Just because one person doesn’t like the taste of spoiled milk, doesn’t mean you should silence those who do.”
An increasing number of milk drinkers, emboldened by the 2016 election and President Trump’s pro-spoiled milk rhetoric, agree with the spoiled carton of milk’s line of reasoning. Questions frequently seen on social media include, “Why can’t I decide my milk’s expiration date?” and “If I can drink old wine, why can’t I drink old milk?”
“I don’t have kids,” the spoiled carton of milk said. “But I do have bacteria. Shouldn’t they be given a chance? Yes, they might grow up to be E. coli, Listeria, or Salmonella—but they could turn into delicious yogurt! We’ll never know if people keep callously pouring so-called ‘spoiled’ milk down the drain just because we smell a little funky.”
This morning on Twitter, President Trump gave a tacit endorsement of spoiled milk when he wrote that “both sides” of this debate have merit. However, recent polling shows that 68 percent of Americans still prefer fresh, unspoiled milk. While its very existence may be under threat, the spoiled carton of milk thinks there’s something far greater at stake.
“I don’t want someone else to tell me when I expire,” the spoiled carton of milk said, gazing wistfully into the distance. “But when I’m finally dumped down the drain in long, stringy clumps, I want to leave behind an America where there’s a free exchange of ideas.”