city of portland

Portland constituents: It’s come to my attention that whenever I offer a totally awesome idea that would improve this city, I get yelled at in a very rude manner. Case in point: my recent “Protest Safety Ordinance,” in which the police commissioner (hey, that’s me!) would decide the time and place for every potentially violent Portland demonstration.

Now, I thought this was a terrific way for everyone to get what they want—in particular the cops, the Portland Business Alliance, and Patriot Prayer’s Joey Gibson. Did I leave anyone out? Oh right... Portland’s counter-demonstrators! Actually, they would benefit the most by getting beaten up less by the police. EVERYBODY WINS, RIGHT? Wrong! Because I didn’t win! You guys totally shot down my amazing idea, just because it might violate the First Amendment!

Well, too bad for you—because I don’t give up so easily! I came up with a revised safety ordinance that makes the old one look like a bag of garbage collected during my last homeless sweep. And instead of getting humiliated in front of city council AGAIN, I’m floating the idea here in my brand-new column, “Just Puttin’ Out Feelers” by Mayor Ted Wheeler! I’m sure this new ordinance will please the police, the PBA, and Joey. OH, DAMN IT! And you too, of course.

• All Protesters Must Wear City-Approved (But Totally Cute) Uniforms! A lot of protest violence is stirred up by the participants’ choice of clothing. On one side, there’s menacing black hoodies and bandanas, and on the other... mmm... grown men dressing like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Anyway, from now on, all protesters must wear city-sanctioned “Put a Bird on It” jumpsuits, festooned with sponsorship patches from Nike, Voodoo Doughnut, and Ruth’s Chris Steak House. Cops will continue wearing military-grade riot gear.

• For Every Hour of Protesting, an Hour Must Be Spent Shopping at Nordstrom. Guys... these protests are really upsetting the Portland Business Alliance, which gives so much to this city (and my campaign). Therefore, immediately following each march, every protester will purchase a pair of pleated khakis from Nordstrom, or some other PBA-approved business. (And NO, Nordstrom Rack does not count!)

Protests Will Only Be Allowed at a Certain Time and Place. And the time is every third Tuesday of the month at 10:45 am, and the place is in front of Joey Gibson’s house. (Ha-Ha! Just joking, Joey! Seriously, it was just a joke. Please don’t tell your Teenage Mutant Ninja friends!)