Thatās rightāI said it! Baby New Year can go straight to hell! In case youāve forgottenāand most of you haveāI was Baby New Year once, too! In January 2018. And ohhhhh, you loved me then, didnāt you? You had such high hopes for me and the new year. But now? You hate me. Why? Because Iām no longer an adorable infant upon whom you lay all your hopes and dreams. Now Iām OLD MAN LAST YEAR! A living, breathing representation of the towering pile of shit that was 2018!
Thatās right: you hate me. Donāt deny it, and donāt try to āyoung person-splainā it away! You hate me because Iām OLD, you hate me because my saggy skin is hanging off my disintegrating bones, and you hate me because my head no longer has that ānew baby smell.ā GO ON... SMELL MY HEAD NOW! Oh, you donāt want to? Is it because Iām OLD and my head smells like rancid chicken fat? Well, SMELL IT ANYWAY! SMELL MY RANCID CHICKEN FAT HEAD!
Ha-ha, thatās right. Run, you cowards. RUN. Run away from Old Man Last Year and 2018. But you canāt run away from the truth! Oh, I get it: You hated this past year because āWAH-WAH-WAH nothing went rightā for you. Well, Iām here to say that plenty went right in 2018... like... like... well, racist Roseanne Barr got fired for being a fucking racist! And not a single person was killed in a nuclear holocaustāand you were totally expecting that to happen!
So ENJOY! Enjoy your shitty little Baby New Year. Because in roughly 360-odd days from now? Heās gonna be a decrepit, wrinkled, liver-spotted, OLD disappointmentājust like ME. (That is if you havenāt all succumbed to the fires of a nuclear hellscape.) GOOD LUCK IN 2019, SHITHEADS!