► In 2019, millions of out-of-state crows descend on Portland following success of new sitcom, Crowlandia.
► A typo in Paul Allen’s will accidentally bequeaths Portland Trail Blazers to sister’s dog McScribbits, a 14-year-old morbidly obese Puginese.
► Patriot Prayer’s Joey Gibson signs endorsement deal with Under Armour.
► Hall & Oates concert at Oregon Zoo haunted by ghost of baby elephant.
► Stanich’s burger joint remains closed, while everyone is still cool with Dave’s Killer Bread for some reason.
► Local man descends from high horse; decides not to share opinion on Twitter.
► Sarah Huckabee Sanders appointed as new Mayor’s Office Communications Director.
► The Portland Diamond Project walks back #MLBtoPortland offer after realizing baseball fans were only attending games for the pickles.
► Smoke from nearby forest fires makes Portland’s air quality worse than Charles Dickens-era London; city’s steampunk community thrilled.
► Unable to convert Wapato prison into a homeless shelter, owner Jordan Schnitzer turns facility into guest house for visiting relatives he doesn’t like.
► Second panel falls off OHSU sky tram, hits Nazi in face.
► Oregonian publishes editorial titled, “Actually, Joey Gibson Is a Good Listener and Gives Great Back Rubs.”
► Willamette River pipeline construction halted by giant sentient underwater monster formed from discarded e-scooters.
► Mayor Ted Wheeler overheard muttering, “I can’t wait for Reggie and Veronica to get it on already! This new season of Riverdale is killing me.”
► You still can’t afford a house.
► City says, “Fuck it,” turns downtown Entertainment District into seven-block adult ball pit. (Balls are hosed off every 36 months.)
► Mayor Ted Wheeler sneaks away to Brazil for six months, leaving a lookalike wax replica in his place. No one notices.
► Emboldened by the success of new bi-weekly format, Mercury starts publishing bi-decade-ly. See you in five years!