Dear Guy Who’s Just Standing There on the Pedestrian Bridge Over I-5:

What the fuuuuuuuck are you doing? Do you have the slightest idea how creepy it is to be driving along I-5 and then see YOU just standing there on the pedestrian bridge, staring down at traffic? You have no business being there! It’s freaky, and makes all sorts of horrible thoughts go through my head: Are you going to jump off and splatter yourself on my windshield? Are you an anti-abortion nut? Are you going to drop a bowling ball on my roof? Are you going to pee? Are you hocking loogies? Are you scolding my addiction to fossil fuel? Are you telling Patriot Prayer members to go back to Vancouver? Are you a carbon monoxide huffer? Are you waiting for Jesus to return to Earth and tell you to get the fuck off the pedestrian bridge because you’re freaking everyone out? Or are you just that desperate for attention? Why do you keep staring at us from the pedestrian bridge? WHY? WHY? WHY?

—Carl Sutter, Northeast Portland

Thanks for writing, Carl. The reason I’m standing on the pedestrian bridge and staring down at traffic is that my 2008 blue Toyota Camry was stolen last week, and I’m looking for it. Hope that helps.


Got a question for the Guy Who’s Just Standing There on the Pedestrian Bridge Over I-5? Go ask him yourself, he’s currently standing on the pedestrian bridge over I-5.