Mustafa Gull, Sean Gallup / Getty Images

Yo, what the dillio, comrades? Who’s wicked psyched that e-scooters are bizzity-izzity-BACK in PDX? I remember back in the day when e-scooters first lit the scene, but were totally yoinked before we got a chance to get truly radical! That’s why your main dude Vlad Putin is on the block to educate you fools on the latest and greatest e-scootin’ tricks that are guaranteed DOPE... CASH... MONEY, dawgs! Chickity-chickity check it!

The 180 Barspin:

Those fart-knocker tourists are gonna go full panty-twist when they see you poppin’ a 180 barspin (a 180-degree turn performed from a bunny hop with a 360-degree barspin in the air) off the steps at Skidmore Fountain! Boo-yah, home skillets! SCHWING!

Double Tailwhip:

A standard tailwhip times two will make the Betties squeal “Aiiiight!” and get that party crunkin’! WORD.

Kickless Rewind:

Oh no! It’s the po-po! But those piglets will stop squealing and drop their jaws when they see you hit an upper heelflip on the three-quarter, and land that shit like you’re all that and a bag of chips. Pretty fly for a white guy! Awwww SNAP!

Tuck No Hander:

Real cool cats always keep both hands on the handlebars... NOT! Boo, you straight-up buggin’ if you’re not getting jiggy with the sickest trick there is, the Tuck No Hander (hands off the bars mid-air while tucking the grips in your lap). Damn skippy, that joint is slammin’ phresh! OFF THE HEEZY!

Inverted Fastplant Quad Whip 360:

Comrades, help mother Russia further undermine America’s faith in democracy by continuing to sow divisiveness and discord in advance of the 2020 election by creating false social media personas, spreading misinformation about Democratic candidates, hacking the emails of the DNC, manipulating state voter registration systems, and sharing stories from Fox News. Death to western imperialists! THAT’S HELLA TIGHT, HOMIE! YA FEEL ME? OHHHH SCHNIKIES!