PORTLAND (AP)—During an emergency session of the Portland Association of Pets and Owned Animals (PAPOA), the organization unanimously voted to overrule current bylaws and allow animals to “severely bite the ass” of humans in “possession of or using” fireworks.
“Look, enough is enough,” said PAPOA president Chick’n’Noodle, an eight-year-old golden retriever. “For years, the pets of Portland have been aurally harassed by humans who explode fireworks at various times during the year, but especially the month before and after July 4.”
Veterinarians, the ASPCA, and pet psychologists agree that the loud booms, cracks, and whistles associated with fireworks can cause animals undue stress, terror, or even endanger their lives. To mitigate this stress, many pet owners confine their animals to a quiet room, or, in extreme cases, medicate them.
“Why should I be punished just so some ‘patriotic’ neanderthal wants to blow shit up?” exclaimed PAPOA board member Peabo Bryson, a four-year-old tabby. “Locking me in the bedroom and massaging a pill down my throat? I do not give my consent!”
For years, PAPOA has enforced strict rules against biting humans, with members often suffering harsh penalties for breaking these laws. That’s why many in the human community were shocked by the organization’s recent actions.
“A dog thinks he’s gonna bite me in the ass?” yelled Derrick Hayworth, a 37-year-old Gresham plumber’s assistant, testifying at the hearing. “Fuck that! I feed that goddamn dog, and that makes me his master! So if I want to shoot off a package of ‘America’s Glory’ 500-round artillery shells and blow out the eardrums of every goddamn human and animal in a two-mile radius, that is my goddamn right as a goddamn American, goddamn it!”
“I rest my case,” responded Peanut Magoo, a 14-month-old gerbil and member of PAPOA. “Morons like him have forced us to legislate in what is, frankly, an unsavory manner. And while it may be nearly impossible for me to reach an ass, my sharp incisors can and shall do significant damage to an anterior talofibular ligament [human ankle].”
That said, PAPOA’s governing body did make it clear that ass-biting could only take place under certain conditions: within a month before and after any firework event, never while the owner is asleep, and children are strictly off-limits (except for boys nine and older).
“Make no mistake, we love humans,” said Reese Slitherspoon, a four-foot boa constrictor. “And we would certainly never choose to bite. But if our humans refuse to protect us, what other choice do we have but to unhinge our jaws and swallow that ass whole?”