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“Absolutely. Once I learned the president tried to coerce Ukraine’s leader for personal gain, I realized he not only broke the law, but had shaken America’s faith in democracy.”

—Toby R. Sorenson, Southeast Portland

“Oh, really, Toby? Now America’s faith in democracy is ‘shaken’? Thanks for the breaking news, fuckface! Toby, if you’re shocked by this—oh, Toby, you naive, insipid fuck!—just wait until you hear about the kids in cages! And you’ll really drop a deuce once you learn about RUSSIA! And when you find out about the Stormy Daniels hush money, maybe you’ll decide to put down your jizz sock and READ THE GODDAMN NEWS more than once every two years! Can’t wait to hear your razor-sharp observations then, you simpering jagoff!”

—Frank Cassano


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“It’s a difficult decision. I’m concerned impeachment proceedings will galvanize Trump’s base, and I worry Democrats in red states might be treated poorly by their conservative neighbors.”

—Tessa Weatherly, Beaverton

“Well, maybe they should follow your lead and BAWL LIKE A GODDAMN BABY! Let me get this straight: This senile motherfucker is the most corrupt wannabe dictator of the modern age, but you’re worried about the widdie-bitty feewings of a handful of Democrats? YANK YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE, TESSA! We’re in the midst of a goddamn disaster! Instead of wringing your hands and watching repeats of New Girl, how about you GROW A FUCKING BACKBONE? Then wake up tomorrow, feed the fire in your belly with three shots of Jack Daniels, and kick the ever-loving SHIT out of every ass in sight until this lying sack of puke is behind bars! Oh, is that ‘too radical,’ Tessa? THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!”

—Frank Cassano


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“Are you kidding me? Are you fucking KIDDING me, shit-for-brains? Trump is the worst president in history, and EVERYONE with half a fucking IQ point KNOWS IT, you slack-jawed son of a bitch! Jesus Christ! What kind of asshole excuse for a ‘newspaper columnist’ walks up to people on the goddamn street and stupidly asks such a fucking DUMBSHIT question? Listen, you pube-faced, four-eyed fuck-up who should’ve been aborted: Run back to your little editor and tell him you quit, because you’re an imbecile who’s TOO GODDAMN STUPID to have this job and your brain is A PILE OF WET DONKEY SHIT!”

—Ramona Cassano, Gresham

“Jeez, mom. Why do you have to be so rude?”

—Frank Cassano