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“I’m thankful for my health, and that I’ve got a nice house, a good car, and a rewarding job to pay for it all.” —Fredrick Samuels, West Hills

Here’s another thing you should be grateful for, fuckface: That the peasants who suffer in the town below your posh West Hills mansion haven’t gotten up the nerve to cram your fat neck into a guillotine! Congratulations on being born into wealth, you silver-spoon fellating imbecile, and keep in mind that when the revolution comes (and oh, it will), we’ll burn your tacky mansion, push your Tesla off the Fremont Bridge, and—it’s a good thing you’re healthy—because your new job will be licking our toilets clean, you bougie shit-lip! Enjoy the holidays... while you can.—Frank Cassano


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“I’m thankful I was able to live long enough to see my grandchildren... and my great-grandchildren!” —Martha Hensby, Goose Hollow

Oh, I bet you’re thankful, you drooling, cobweb-brained biddy! Yes, by all means, continue to live long past your expiration date, sucking up my hard-earned tax dollars and forcing ME to foot the bill for your Medicare, your Social Security, and the retirement-home workers who have to wipe your wrinkled, flatulent ass—all so you can keep wheezing long enough to vote for Trump and guilt trip your great-grandchildren, who like the rest of us, can’t wait to see you die! For the love of Christ, put yourself out of our misery!—Frank Cassano

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“Let me tell you what I’m NOT thankful for: The imbeciles of your generation, who rolled out a red carpet for the corporate corruption that poisoned our democracy, eliminated living-wage jobs, and turned the environment into a toxic hellscape, leaving the rest of us with zero hope for the future. So... no thanks, boomer!”—Kat Wilkins, Southeast Portland

HEY!! But... you... we didn’t... you were the ones who.... AUGGGGHHH! AVOCADO TOAST!! —Frank Cassano