GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! What's that glowing orb in the sky? Why are those goddamn birds chirping? Let's go to press!

In case you woke up this morning saying, "OH CRAP! THERE WAS AN ELECTION LAST NIGHT!! DID OBAMA WIN??" relax already. The school levy passed, the school bond failed, and Clackamas County said "Fuck You" to the Sellwood Bridge, even though they are practically the only people who use it. (When an election is eventually held to raise the taxes on chewin' tobaccky, I'm voting YES.)

Emergency vents on our nuclear reactors that American officials have said would prevent cataclysmic meltdowns were tested on the reactors in Japan, and... WHOOPSIE. Failed.

The Senate gave the A-OK for big oil companies to continue receiving huge tax breaks, and filling their mink-lined swimming pools with gold doubloons.

The NYC maid who was allegedly sexually assaulted by IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn speaks out to say "it's not a conspiracy, or set-up!"

If you care, the baby mama of Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child has been revealed. (Dibs on "Arnold Schwarzenegger's Love Child" as my next band name!)

Drug dealers brutally murder 29 migrant workers in Guatemala.

Despite protests from his roadies, Justin Bieber goes to ravaged Japan anyway, and makes people happy. (So no shit-talk today, okay guys?)

Speaking of pedophilia, a researcher's study concludes that all the boy-fucking in the Catholic church is not linked to celibacy or homosexuality. (SHOCK.)

At Cannes, director Lars Von Trier created quite a scandal when he announced "he sympathizes with Adolf Hitler (WHAT.), thinks Israel is a pain (WHAT??) and plans to make a porn flick with Kirsten Dunst (GODDAMMIT! NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!!)."

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Four gorgeous days ahead, with a high of 76 on Friday! WOOT NOW!

AND FINALLY, who wants to listen to a ukulele cover of New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle"? YOU DO, right? Me, too. LIKE!!