The communists have won! Or likely will as of next week. Portland Mayor Sam Adams has unveiled an emergency ordinance, up for vote on Wednesday, that aims to ban large grocers and big-box retailers from handing out single-use plastic bags. Wait, did I say communists? I meant rivers. And the people who work in recycling centers.

The Libyan rebels have won!
No, no not unmolested control of Libya and a defeat over Moammar Qaddafi. Instead, it's this door prize: For purposes of dispensing military aid, the western countries dropping bombs all over Qaddafi will just pretend that the rebels have prevailed.

The British people have won! The CEO of News Corp.'s British subisidiary, Rebekah Brooks, has resigned—putting heat for the company's tabloid phone-hacking scandal ever closer to Rupert Murdoch and his lad, James.

Pragmatic, reasoned politics has won! In a parallel universe! The talks on extending America's debt-ceiling—allegedly needed to keep us from defaulting on things like social security checks—appear to be shifting in focus to oh-shit stopgap solutions. Or are they? The president still wants a GRAND-COMPROMISE-TYPE BUDGET DEAL. Republican lawmakers still don't want or like ANYTHING THE PRESIDENT SAYS, DOES, OR THINKS. EVER.

The Syrian rulership has won! Because they still control the military, and most of the guns, when protesters gather in record numbers, the country's leaders can still order soldiers to shoot demonstrators at will, killing 17 people.

The gadflies have won! An 82-year-old man fighting for 16 years to prove that, based on an obscure technical error in its constitution, North Dakota isn't a state, has been vindicated. The state constitution will be corrected.

Your private parts have won!
They always do, of course. But this time the genitalia belonging to several inmates in Florida got some help. The sheriff in Polk County, out to save $45,000, says prisoners will now have to pay extra for underpants—making it that much easier for inmates to finally let their long-suffering bits hang free and easy in the cool, unconstrained air.

Casey Anthony has won! Again! It was only a look-alike—and not the actual mother of the dead girl who was all up on TV, like, forever last week, for real—who found herself targeted and nearly killed by an angry Oklahoma woman out for vengeance.

Portland's economy has won! A city-funded study of the city's own economic development strategy, focusing primarily on its accomplishments, wants Portlanders to know we're on the right track.

People uncomfortable with gay rights have won!
Michele Bachmann reports raising $4 million, a legitimatizing sum of cash, in her bid to be the Republican presidential nominee. Sears catalog model Mitt Romney, however, reports $18.5 million.