GOOD MORNING, NEWS! Cotton candy, sweet and low, let me see that Tootsee Roll! LET'S GO TO PRESS.

The first part of this story you won't care about, the second part you will: Canada and America are teaming up to build an oil pipeline between the two countries (SNORE!!), but new emails reveal that the Canadian lobbyists pushing for the pipeline have a lovey-dovey relationship with US officials in the State Department (WHAAAA?? Canadians are stealing our lobbyist jobs too??).

GOP presidential wannabe Rick Perry got some unwanted attention this weekend after it was discovered that he owns a hunting camp that was once called... well, I'm not gonna say it. Let's just say it rhymes with "figger-head."

Okay and for the very last, FINAL TIME: Gov. Chris Christie is NOT, I repeat NOT running for... oh wait, maybe he is.

House Republicans are mounting a new "wasteful spending" attack on Obama in which they propose to cut health care, labor relations, Planned Parenthood and education. I think they left "dickholes" off that list.

Accused murderer Amanda Knox gets in her last plea to the jury, as her appeal trial comes to an end.

The Nobel Prize committee awards their prize for medicine to... whoops, already dead.

The Wall Street protesters enter their third week (after 700 of 'em were arrested on the Brooklyn Bridge), with other protests popping up all around the country. And while their reasoning may not be unified, all at least they agree on one thing: "We are the 99% that will no longer tolerate the greed and corruption of the 1%."

So, what's the scoop for tomorrow's big iPhone announcement? Get all yer rumors here!

Seth Rogen and Gene Simmons get married! (Not to each other.)

Locally a TriMet driver is accused of kicking a mom and her baby off the bus because the tyke was crying too much. (I know you hate kids, but what he did was wrong.)

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Rainy and cool through Wednesday, but don't slit your throat just yet, because things improve on Thursday.

And finally, a little boy finds out who Luke Skywalker's father really is—and simultaneously loses his youth.