Good news, all you shiftless layabouts! The unemployment rate has dropped all the way down to 8.6 percent—its lowest point in two-and-a-half years. And now some bad news! That's only because so many of you lazybones have just up and stopped looking for work altogether. Honestly! What are you pinkos waiting for? A bread line to form? THIS IS AMERICA DAMMIT!

Herman Cain, the pizza impresario and greasy, fat-cat lobbyist, is apparently the only powerful man in the world who regularly gave a woman money for bills and other expenses (without telling his wife) and didn't try to take advantage of the relationship's lopsided power dynamics by forcing her to also have sex. That's what he says, at least.

Europe's finances are as lousy as ours.
And in a facile parallel to the 1930s, its seems that a "strong Germany," presiding over a more-connected Europe, is the answer. That's what Germany says, at least.

"I'm so scared of this anti-Wall Street effort. I'm frightened to death. They're having an impact on what the American people think of capitalism." So says pre-eminent GOP propaganda man Frank LutzLuntz, offering a primer on how Republicans can retake the messaging mojo from Occupy Wall Street.

A beefier way to mess with Occupy? After evicting its city's camp on Monday, the Los Angeles Police Department is letting 200 protesters stew in jail in lieu of $5,000 bail, even though most will likely never face any charges at all.

More good news/bad news: Afghanistan's crooked president, oilman Hamid Karzai, pardoned a jailed rape victim. But only after she agreed to marry the man who raped her.

As Egypt counts the votes after its historic parliamentary elections, it seems that Islamist politicians will finally surge to power after years of fighting for political legitimacy.

You've heard of biting the hand that feeds you?
Yeah, well, how about shooting it? Get it?

In Portland, Police Chief Mike Reese continues to devise a better system for dealing with a crush of service calls from the mentally ill. Months after we first reported on the bureau's new "step back" policy, the O reports that 911 dispatchers will now route calls from the mentally ill directly to crisis workers instead of cops.

Things are looking better and better for downtown businesses and the holiday shoppers they covet. Weeks after booting Occupy Portland, they can now toast the temporary reopening of all lanes on the Morrison Bridge. Hope that champagne tastes sweet, fellows!