GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Now I got 32 flavors of that bootylicious bubblegum. Raspberry, grape, cherry, come and get this honeybun. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Thanks to the GOP and their refusal to negotiate on the payroll tax cut, 160 million Americans are still wondering how big their paychecks will be in January. You are mean ones, Rep. and Sen. Grinch.

North Korea's new leader Kim Jong Un remains a mystery, but his first order of business was gathering up his military. Uh.... oh. Meanwhile, another report says that the military will share power with the new young leader. Again, uh... oh.

Ron Paul remains at the top of the polls in Iowa. THIS shows exactly how much the GOP has fucked things up.

As further proof, President Obama's approval ratings hop up to nearly 50%—as the numbers for Congress falls.

According to activists, Syrian troops have allegedly entered a northwestern town with machine guns and murdered over 100 people.

Researchers have finally figured out where the giant rocks of Stonehenge have come from. The answer: UNDER THE GROUND. Thanks guys. Nice work.

Moscow, suffering from a touch of military penis envy, are supposedly developing a 100-ton missile called "Satan." Well, American evangelists have a 500 billion-ton missile named "Jesus." Ever heard of him??

Speaking of "Satan", as it turns out, Kim Kardashian's line of fashion products are made with slave labor. Did you expect anything less?

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Oh! Winter begins today. So today you can expect exactly what you've been experiencing since November.

And finally in Iowa, GOP candidate Newt Gingrich is verbally accosted by a citizen who truthfully tells him that's he's something that rhymes with "fucking asshole." WAIT! I meant, "Ducking Lassroll."