GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! You… you talk about just every band. But the names you drop are second hand. I've heard it all before. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Free elections finally come to Egypt, and you know what's next, right? Super PACs!

Federal regulators are looking into rumors that Morgan Stanley may have pre-warned their big spender clients that Facebook's public offering was a crap deal.

How much does the Taliban hate the idea of girls getting an education? Enough to poison 122 girl students and three teachers.

The Pakistani doctor said to have helped the U.S. in the capture of Osama bin Laden is given 33 years in prison for "treason." And surprise! The doctor was not allowed to defend himself.

Speaking of "traitors," Sarah Palin endorses Sen. Orrin Hatch in Utah instead of the Tea Party candidate! Sentence her to 33 years in Tea Party prison!!

Speaking of idiots, Hawaii has verified President Obama's birth certificate to the FUCKING IDIOTS of Arizona. Seriously, how much are we gonna take from these drooling hayseeds before dumping them in the ocean?

And because I know you've been waiting, the concert dates for the new Justin Bieber world tour have been announced and he'll be in Portland October 8! SQUEE. (Damn it, I admit it... I don't care anymore. I miss my creepy passion!!)

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Showery and cool today and tomorrow, but the Memorial Day weekend ain't looking half bad.

And finally, here is your motherfuckin' JAM O' THE DAY! Get up and represent for Krispy Kreme's new drop, "Haters Wanna Be Me." Because he climbs trees! And has six or seven trophies! Did he mention being eaten by an anaconda?