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Biden orders 100 million more one-shot J&J doses to insure every single American can get the vaccine.
Biden orders 100 million more one-shot J&J doses to insure every single American can get the vaccine. Michael Ciaglo / Getty News

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! I told you not to worry, I said that everything would be alright. I didn't know then that you were right. LET'S GO TO PRESS.


• Portland City Council is delaying a vote to expand where homeless shelters can be built in Portland after receiving pushback from some East Portland residents who worry that other neighborhoods—like those in the West Hills—aren't sharing the burden. Sounds logical... but it's more complicated than that. Our Alex Zielinski breaks it all down for you.

• Good news! After successfully lowering their COVID-19 case count, 13 Oregon counties are moving into safer categories, which means fewer restrictions for businesses. Multnomah County will move into the "moderate risk" category this Friday, allowing restaurants and bars to start operating at 50 percent capacity.

• But hold your dang horses! The Oregon Health Authority also announced yesterday that COVID cases are creeping up in Multnomah County, reporting 517 new infections and five additional deaths—the highest case count reported this month. WEAR YA DAMN MASK, WASH YA DAMN HANDS, KEEP YA DAMN DISTANCE.

• The Joint Office of Homeless Services (JOHS) has released its ideas on how Multnomah County should spend an expected $55 million in new tax revenue reserved for homeless services. So what are the recommendations? Obviously a lot is going into keeping people housed and rent assistance, but there's a lot more involved and our Alex Zielinski has the details.


• Busy Bee Biden has announced that the US intends to purchase 100 million more doses of the PERFECTLY FINE and VERY EFFECTIVE Johnson & Johnson one-shot vaccine, thereby guaranteeing there will be more than enough doses for every single American. (Which is why I intend on taking six or seven.)

• Later this morning, the House is scheduled to vote on and approve Busy Bee Biden's massive $1.9 trillion COVID relief plan, which will then be shot through a T-shirt cannon to the president's desk so he can sign it and get checks into your pocket FINALLY. (Expect a four hour filibuster by Republicans about how T-shirt cannons are un-American.)

• But before that can happen, we must have drama: Politics is theater.

• YOU HATE TO SEE IT HAPPEN: Despite frantically licking his butt for four-plus years, Republicans are getting screwed over by Trump again—this time he's telling all his brainwashed, gullible followers to send their hard-earned money to his PAC instead of the GOP, which puts their 2022 fundraising efforts in serious danger (hee-hee-hee).

• A good time to be Alaskan: The Last Frontier has already vaccinated 25% of its population. Yesterday, the state announced that anyone 16 years or older who lives or works in Alaska was eligible for vaccination.

• Professional asshole Piers Morgan is resigning from hosting Good Morning Britain after receiving.... *checks notes*... 41,000 complaints about his vicious, shitty treatment of Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex. (I'm very surprised it wasn't more.)

• A Southern Californian woman is suing Panda Express for "cult-like behavior" after being ordered by Panda management to attend a training seminar that was held in a warehouse, where staff yelled and berated attendees. She said she was forced to strip down to her underwear in a sort of trust exercise and "hug it out" with a male attendee also in his underwear.

• A moment of silence, please: Gordon Ramsay's Dwarf Porn Double Found Dead In A Badger Den.

• Get ready to party HARD in the third installment of the Mercury Music Series, with a livestream concert from super fun Portland rapper/singer/producer FOUNTAINE, coming at ya THIS THURSDAY, March 11! Snap up those tix, babies!

• If you cannot get enough of Dan Savage, then get a LIVE dose of his sexual wisdom in this Saturday's special livestream edition of the SAVAGE LOVECAST! Get your tickets here!

• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: Expect a day with lots of clouds and sunbreaks and a high of 55.

• And finally, I know it's not safe to return to theaters yet, but I think this movie needs to be seen on the big screen.