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Russia continues airstrikes on innocent Ukraine citizens.
Russia continues airstrikes on innocent Ukraine citizens. Chris McGrath / Getty News

GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Look, this is how the rest of the day is gonna go: You're gonna get a quick dose of news squirted into your brain, you're going to put on your thong, and THEN you're going out to enjoy this fabulous day. But first... LET'S DO SOME HEADLINES.


• The Oregon legislature passed a FLURRY of last-second bills this week signaling the end of their short session. What did they get done? Turns out a LOT of stuff (mostly good!)—but find out for yourself with this appropriately titled round-up from our Alex Zielinski and Isabella Garcia: "What Was Accomplished (and What Wasn't) in Oregon's 2022 Legislative Session."

• Today in "Drama Mamas": The chair of the Oregon Republican Party/annoying crybaby Dallas Heard has abruptly resigned his position after declaring “My physical and spiritual health can no longer survive exposure to the toxicity that can be found in this community,” adding that “we truly have an equal if not greater evil than the Democrats walking among us.” (Translated: He's madz because his own party isn't supporting his run for governor. BOO-HOO-HOO. Him is gwumpy.)

• A follow-up report from the Oregon Secretary of State confirms that while Portland Public Schools have made some gains, they still need to do more work to reach their equity goals, particularly in service to historically underrepresented and lower-income students.

• Nine people of color are planning on launching a class-action lawsuit against State Trooper Travis Peterson who they say racially profiled them during traffic stops. Unsurprisingly this Peterson fella sounds like a real piece of work.

• The minds behind the new NORR Kitchen wanted to create a restaurant that "feels like an escape from the city, and unlike anything else in it." Find out how they did it with this profile/review from our Janey Wong!


• Russia continues their campaign to kill innocent civilians in Ukraine, including an air strike on a MATERNITY HOSPITAL. Meanwhile there's been a Russian-caused power loss at the Chernobyl nuclear plant which experts are saying isn't a dire threat... right now. And US officials say that Russia may be planning to use chemical weapons after (falsely) claiming that the Ukraine is prepping to do the same.

• Democrats are being forced to strip pandemic aid from their $1.5 trillion spending package after members of their own party began yelling about how money already promised to states would be taken away in the name of bipartisanship with Republicans.

• Biden is ordering the Federal Reserve to take a hard look at increasingly popular cryptocurrency—meaning regulation might not be far behind.

• Ahem: "Plane carrying Donald Trump made emergency landing in New Orleans after engine failure over Gulf of Mexico." Probably it's best to remember there were innocent people on that plane as well.

• Former Trump advisor/White House Nosferatu Stephen Miller is attempting to squirm out of turning over his phone records to the January 6 investigatory committee... saying he's still on mommy and daddy's phone plan?!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

• Important Amanda Bynes update:

• Holy guacamole, there is SO MUCH great stuff in our annual SPRING ARTS GUIDE, whether you're a fan of film, visual art, reading, or... if you're like me... drag queens! Miss it at your intellectual peril!

• Feeling thirsty? Then get ready for the boozy fun of the Mercury’s HIGHBALL—a week of specialty cocktails mixed by the city’s best bartenders… and for only $6 each! Coming at ya March 14!

• And finally... it's WEDNESDAY. Start dancing like it.