Johnny Ryan
In the wintertime, after a holiday season of listening to your family tell you how stupid all your life choices are, and how smart and rich your sister is, and after finally realizing how poor, bored, and alone you really are, the natural temptation is to hit the bottle. Some people might tell you not to. They might say, "work out more," or "get one of those mood-altering light boxes," or "start seeing a shrink"--but my advice is, get as drunk as you can. Get wasted. Give yourself brain damage. Seriously, spend all of January and February drinking yourself into a fucking oblivion, and while you're at it, tell everyone who has ever pissed you off to go screw themselves. Do this loudly and in a bar.

After you've made a fool of yourself all over town, start showing up drunk for work. Act depressed all day and slump over in your chair. When it's lunchtime, refuel on liquor and come back to the office humming a merry tune. Turn vengefully angry if anyone requests actual work out of you. Accuse them of having always been jealous of your brilliance. Soon after, apologize.

In short, spend a good month or so being as loud and erratic as possible, because you need to come off looking like an out-of-control boozer, and fast. (A small aside here folks: As much as you may not want to embarrass yourself, you need to draw as much attention to your alcohol problem as possible, and it better look really bad. Otherwise, my plan won't work, and you'll end up with an embarrassing "intervention" when what you really want is an all expense paid trip to sunny "rehab.")

Anyway, so here it is February and your friends are talking behind your back. Your boss wants to fire you, but is afraid you'll return to work with a shotgun. Your sister has left 14 messages on your answering machine begging to know if you're still alive. Even your Mom is worried. Okay. It's time to reel "em in.

First, call your rich sister back, and make statements like: "Sometimes I just wish it would end." Then say, "I know I need to clean up, but I can't do it alone." Call your boss and give him the same crap. Then start packing your bags.

If everything works out, your job and family will pool their resources and buy you a few months in rehab. Here are some places you've "heard were good":

Orange County Treatment Center: "In Sunny Southern California, Minutes From the Beach." Sure, you're trapped, but at least you're tan. 1-866-520-0246, The Wal-Mart of Rehab, prices start at $1,500 for 30 days.

The Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage, CA: Hey, is that Scott Weiland? Hobnob and share rooms with celebrities (like Drew Barrymore) while getting in shape both physically and mentally. 1-800-854-9211, about $21,000 for 30 days

Promises in Malibu, CA: Has housed boozehounds Ben Affleck, Robert Downey, Jr., Charlie Sheen, and boasts a gourmet chef, ocean view, and one member of staff per guest… I mean, "patient." 1-866-849-9958, About $1,000 per day

Cottonwood de Tucson in Tucson, AZ: Where it's rumored Vince Neil of Motley Crue went to detox from booze, Cottonwood is located amongst the gorgeous mountains, valleys, and plentiful cacti of the great Southwest. 1-800-877-4520, The Four Seasons of Rehab centers $37,800-39,305 for 4-6 weeks

After your ultimate rehab vacation, you'll be booze free, well fed, and emotionally stable enough to jump back into your old life--that is, until next winter when you'll once again conveniently fall off the wagon. And tell your family and friends to start saving their pennies now--after all, rehab ain't cheap.