say you're "extreme." But how "extreme" are you? Consider, if you will, the ridiculously insane sport of BIKE JOUSTING. You won't consider it? Then please drink two six-packs of PBR before continuing this story...

Finished? Good. Okay, consider if you will, the ridiculously insane sport of BIKE JOUSTING. While chivalry may not be dead, it's certainly coughing up blood, and so it is up to you and your drunken cohorts to revive it by settling your petty differences on the field of battle. This is what you will need...

First, duct tape the boxing glove on one end on the pole, and an "armpit grip" on the other. Stick it under your right arm and ride the stolen child's bike around the block a couple of times to get used to it. Once both contestants are ready, they should square off at least 50 yards apart. A disinterested third party (the girl you're fighting over) should ask both riders if they're prepared to die for her honor. If both agree, she is to drop her hanky to the ground--the signal for the riders to commence.

Pick up as much speed as possible, leaning slightly forward, with your lance straight and tucked in tight. When your opponent is almost alongside you, turn your right shoulder in and aim at the torso of your foe. Be prepared to lean backward on impact, which will help keep you in the saddle. Repeat until someone is on the ground moaning in agony. WSH


One ten-foot-long plastic pole (available at Home Depot or most plumbing outlets)

One boxing glove (a T-shirt packed with rags and newspapers may suffice)

One roll of duct tape

One stolen child's bicycle (available in the Laurelhurst neighborhood)

One more rack of PBR (per contestant)