I don't want to get high anymore. I want to get down. I know, I've proclaimed myself as a dedicated cokehead, and I've enjoyed cocaine plenty of times, but my love affair with uppers is over. Thankfully, I've found a lovely replacement: downers. God. I love downers.

I can pop a pill and in a half hour, like magic, there's no more anxiety disorder, no fighting with my boyfriend, no stewing about that motherfucker who condescended me at the bank. No nothing. Just the perfect, sublime feeling of not giving a shit about anything--yet still feeling happy. It's something like the effect of alcohol, except I don't show anyone my tits, and I actually feel better the next day.

The only problem? Getting a hold of those dreamy little tablets. The most obvious method is the internet, but it's unreliable and expensive. Instead, try doing a little legwork. If you have insurance, and don't have to pay for a doctor visit, make an appointment. Then say this: "I was helping a friend push his car from the street into the driveway, and I really strained my back. It's killing me." Back pain is extremely hard to verify, so you should be hooked up with a healthy dose of muscle relaxants.

Another good one is tooth pain. Wisdom teeth removal, tooth pulling, or any significant mouth surgery should get you a prescription for Vicodin, but if you're smart, you'll say this: "Vicodin always makes me a little nauseous, do you think I could get something else? I think my doctor prescribed me, what is it... oh yeah, Percocet! That worked pretty well." In my experience, Percocet is a much nicer buzz than Vicodin, and has the benefit of not sending you into a vomiting frenzy if you take it with booze.

Besides faking an injury or throwing yourself down a steep hill, making friends with drug dealers, people in the medical field, or rich hypochondriacs is failsafe. Any reputable drug dealer should be able to tap into the pipeline of a variety of different drugs. Valium, OxyContin (AKA "hillbilly heroin"; not recommended unless you're hardcore), Soma, or Flexeril all give the desired mushy muscle effect. Lastly, rich hypochondriacs are always willing to help out another sufferer, and will usually pony up some of their bottomless prescriptions to help you out. If you need help broaching the subject, try this: "Jesus, my jaw has been clenched like a vice for the last month. If it doesn't go away soon I think I might go insane!"

See? If you put a little imagination and work into it, getting drugs is as fun and easy as browsing a candy store. Plus, the benefits are way better than a sugar high.