Fall is a particularly beautiful time for getting together with friends and roasting a big fat stanky chunk of the hydroponic. Whether you've cultivated it yourself in your own home-grow-room (one hopes you have), or bought it from a helpful neighborhood dealer, buds just taste better with great company. However, one glitch that can potentially destroy any late afternoon toke-a-thon, is the lack of a proper utensil. Thankfully, I've saved you the hideous embarrassment of being without a friendly smoking device, and instead provided you with impressive make-at-home ideas that will keep your friends calling you "Sally Bongmaker."
Summer Sausage Bowl: When Mom sends you that holiday care package, don't toss the summer sausage. Smoke it!
1) Take a peeler and stab into your sausage about three quarters of the way down in length. Dig out a nice little bowl about the size of a dime.
2) Cut off the end of your sausage furthest from the bowl. Use your peeler, a long skinny knife, or a metal shish kabob stick to make a tunnel that connects bowl to the sliced end of sausage.
3) Pinhole puncture a piece of foil, or use a large screen and poke it into your bowl. Throw some weed on, and get a smokin'. Toking this hunk of meat feels as nice as kissing Benicio del Toro--and just as tasty.
(Note: No sausage in this year's care package? Damn! Try the tunnel-connector method on a piece of citrus fruit--and even try freezing it for a "frosty" hit. A decent size stalk of aloe vera will also work, while simultaneously moisturizing those dry lips.)
Bike-Lock Bowl: If you're like me, you're a gal-on-the-go. And sometimes, a gal-on-the-go likes to share a couple big hits of the cheeba before meeting up with a boring biology study group. Don't worry, though! As long as you've got a little weed and a screen, or a piece of tinfoil (see above), you're set to smoke.
1) Grasp the base of your U lock (as shown).
2) Grab your screen or tinfoil and mold it into one of the holes.
3) Slap some weed on top, light it, and smoke that lock like a harmonica.
With the bike lock bowl, you're stoned in no time, and police officers will simply think you're just another crazy street performer. (Note: Do your best not to burn the rubber coating, it tastes like crap.)
Gravity Bong 2000: In my college days (being a genius even then), I worked it so the GB 2000 financed every drop of beer I drank. That's because I maliciously charged naîve freshmen for a toke off the bong, going so far as to hang flyers describing its insane potency (Advertising works!). Well friends, I'm not saying you should do what I did, but the GB does come in handy for private use, too (especially when you have a nasty bag of shwag.) Sorry, but this one requires a trip to the hardware store.
1) Cut the bottom (below the label) off of a two-liter bottle.
2) Go to the plumbing section and get a 1/2 inch wide, 8-10 inch long galvinized steel pipe and a 1/2 inch coupling that will screw onto the pipe (see photo).
3) Put a screen in the coupling, and plop some weed on top.
5) Grab a bucket filled with water and submerge your device until the water is just below the bottleneck. Slowly pull it up from the water while you light the bowl. Pull out your pipe once the chamber is filled with smoke.
6) Put your mouth over the bottle mouth and slowly push the device down into the water while the glorious smoke fills your lungs. Wait a few seconds... and BING! You're cooked!
Knife Hits: This pathetic smoking method comes in super handy when you're out of weed. It takes a little work, a buddy, and a stove or hot plate, but believe me--it's worth it!
1) Dig a bunch of resin out of all your well-used paraphernalia.
2) Make extremely small balls of resin and leave them on the counter.
3) Put a couple of crappy butter knives on the burner, and turn it on.
4) Cut the bottom off a one-liter pop bottle (below the label) and stab some holes in it. Remove the middle section of the bottle (under the label) and discard.
5) Put some ice cubes in the top section of the bottle, invert the bottom section, and fit them together (as shown). Hold the mouth of the bottle to your lips.
6) Have your friend take one of the hot knives and touch it to a resin ball (don't worry, it'll stick). Put the knife under the apparatus and sandwich the other knife on top of the ball. A plume of smoke will come up into the chamber. Suck it up, and ignore all the "tsk-tsk-tsks" coming from those friends who don't partake.
Sadly, with only a page, and not a whole newspaper, I'm only able to skim the surface of at-home utensil construction. Regardless, this quick list will get you out of any jam, and hopefully inspire you to look to the shelves of your own cupboards, and the crispers of your own fridges. You never know what new ideas are waiting to be born, but I guarantee, whatever they are, your stoner friends will love them.