Tired of broke-ass, tired-out, boring stumble-bums standing around drinking your beer and ruining your party? Unfortunately, you're partially to blame. Thanks to the ever-growing population of disaffected youth who lack the necessary social skills to maintain the fascinating conversations necessary to make your party a success, the ball is in YOUR court if you'd like your shindig to be a memorable one. That's why the wise party-planner chooses to host a wing-ding with a THEME.

However, it would be a mistake to rely on the boring "swinging cocktail lounge party" theme that was so popular in the last century. You should choose a theme that's as exciting as you are like PIRATES! Or SPIDER-MAN! Or S-E-X! Or here're some ideas.

· The ATF Party: Naturally, "ATF" stands for "Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms." This was one of the funnest parties I ever attended because everyone dressed in camouflage or hunting gear, smoked ceeegars, and drank scads of liquor while shooting pin-ups of the Backstreet Boys with BB pistols. Then, when the BBs ran out? Somebody dragged out the PNEUMATIC NAIL GUN. Now, that was a blast. And not a single eye was shot out.

· The Blackjack Party: Having trouble paying this month's rent? Turn your living room into an illegal gambling casino! Find a couple of friends who are good at dealing blackjack, buy a bunch of cheap beer to give away, set up a couple of tables, and BOOM! Watch the money roll in! With a minimum bet of five bucks per hand, a few of your guests will go home with money in their pockets--but the rest? You will soak them DRY. And they'll love you for it.

· The Gene Hackman Birthday Party: It doesn't have to be Gene's actual birthday (which, as we all know, is January 30). This is just a fun excuse to honor one of the greatest actors of all time. Download a picture of Gene's hallowed image, take it to Dairy Queen, and they'll put it on an ice cream cake. Play the game where you write down the names of Gene's movies and stick them on the backs of your guests. Then they'll walk around asking each other, "Am I a submarine captain? Am I an Indiana basketball coach?" But the highlight of the evening will surely be "Selected Readings from the Works of Gene Hackman." Xerox some scenes from Gene's films, pass them out, and have your guests recreate some of the greatest cinematic moments of all time.

· The Spelling Bee Party: If you're having a party and it's tanking, here's an emergency remedy. Have a spelling bee. Go to

www.monroemontessori.com/ Spelling_words/spelling_bee-home.htm, where you will find words designed to stump anyone in grades 1-9. (However, don't be surprised if your drunken guests are unable to spell beyond the seventh grade level.) Line 'em up, and let the bee begin!

· The Underground Pagan Cult Party: Cult parties are really fun because the costuming choices can go in so many different directions: There's Heaven's Gate, Jonestown, Waco, Moonies, Scientology, Weight Watchers, Alcoholics Anonymous, Critical Mass the list is endless! Or if you like, just have everybody dress up like they were in Eyes Wide Shut--but remember! All the women must be nude, and the password is "fidelio."

· The Vampire Party: Here's a great game to play around Halloween, and you don't even have to dress up like a vampire to do it--because as we know, "the vampire" is the stupidest costume in the world (outside of "Sexy Pippi Longstocking"). Get your guests together in a single room or basement, and move all the furniture out of the way. This game is played in the dark, so the host should be the "watcher," making sure no one trips or falls out a window. Everyone starts walking around with their eyes closed or blindfolded, kinda making zombie sounds like, "Ugggggghhh Uggggghhhh." Then the watcher secretly taps someone on the shoulder, who is now the "vampire." The vampire continues walking around the room, and when he/she bumps into somebody, he/ she grabs them, and both vampire and victim scream AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS. Now both are vampires, and march off to find new victims. Eventually, through process of elimination, there is only one person left who isn't a vampire, but can usually be found cowering and shaking in a corner, with poopy pants. It's that scary!

· The Toga Flashlight Party: Sometimes togas are sexy and sometimes they aren't sexy--but at the Toga Flashlight Party, they're always sexy. Instruct your guests to wear a toga and bring a flashlight. Unscrew ALL the light bulbs in the house--then sit back and let the fun begin! Flashlights will make the toga appear translucent (thereby revealing all the juicy bits underneath). Beer will further lower your guest's inhibitions, opening the door for smooches in the dark, casual rubbing, and eventually, having God-Knows-What stuck in your God-Knows-Where. And that, my friends, is what I call a party.