Christmas time mistletoe, New Year's champagne, and the slutty costumes on Halloween: all carry the promise of a good time--a promise that is never delivered. Yes, there can be no denying it: the Holiday Party Season is a dark time of disappointment and shattered dreams. Fortunately, much like your daily life, you can deal with this oncoming debacle--by simply erasing all expectations! With no expectations, you can never be let down, and those suck-ass parties will seem a lot less suck-assi-ier--indeed, they'll seem almost normal. Here are five tips on crushing all hope and anticipation... and thereby making this holiday season fun again!

1.) On the day of the party, begin drinking at noon, and don't stop until the party begins. By then you'll be so drunk, dehydrated, and exhausted, you'll be hating life, and the craptacular party you've arrived at will absolutely rock--at least compared to the dismal pounding in your head, and unending waves of nausea in your stomach.

2.) Get in a fight with your significant other and/or break up with him/her. This one works best if you are under the mistaken belief that "love" is a reality, and it is a vital part of that feeble construct you call a relationship. After the breakup, you will go into the party emotionally devastated--possibly even irrational. Voila! Things can only get better!

3.) Masturbate to orgasm directly before heading to the party. One of the biggest holiday party misconceptions is that you will "get laid" before the night is through. If you are a normal person, however, you will almost certainly not "get laid," and deep down you know it--no matter what your limp excuse for a libido tells you. Masturbate beforehand and murder that sex drive before it even has a chance to get going. You'll be glad you did.

4.) Don't wear a costume at Halloween parties. Wearing costumes is a ploy to get attention, and people who are trying call attention to themselves are, essentially, hoping to get laid. You are not hoping to get laid. You must dodge all semblances of hope. They'll only be dashed in the end.

5.) Don't go to parties. Avoid parties at all costs. Become the grumpy curmudgeon that friends must drag out of the house. Once you've been dragged to a party, continuously insist that you hate them, voicing your opinion loudly and drunkenly. Get in a fight, and get your ass kicked. Be dragged to the hospital, and then to the detox pen, a soused, gory mess. Spend the night in jail and get repeatedly raped and beaten. From there, your party experience can only get better.