Everyone knows that when the summer comes around, the heat rises. And when the mercury goes up, so does crime. It's a fucking sociological fact! So why not have a little fun and contribute to the crime wave pandemonium? Here's a few petty crime activities that you and your drunk friends can do on that hot June night when you're hot-n-bothered:

Public drinking. No need for that annoying brown paper bag. Who the hell's going to stop you anyway? What's great about public drinking is that it gets you primed for your other criminal mischief. Parks are a great place to illicitly intoxicate. Choose one next to a school with a playground so you can swing and play on the monkey bars. Other good drinking parks include Mt. Tabor, because it's big and mysteriously dangerous. Once sufficiently liquored, you can also make fun of the hippie drum circle and, when it's time to go home, you can somersault down the mountain. Laurelhurst Park has good footpaths. But whatever you do, Don't go to Forest Park. You'll get raped and killed.

Graffiti. Here's your chance to express your innermost thoughts in a public forum! First, choose a suitable building for your canvas, and then spraypaint your schoolboy scrawl. I suggest, "MANU BERELLI HAS A REALLY BIG COCK."

Illegal bonfire. Did you know that it is against the law to take more than one free copy of the Mercury? It's true. Somewhere in this paper is the warning: "One copy of each edition of the Mercury is available free to Oregon State residents and visitors each week. Anyone removing papers in bulk will be prosecuted on theft charges to the fullest extent of the law." That means that when you steal 300 to start your bonfire, you'll actually be breaking multiple laws! MB