I don't know what Wayne the barber is thinking, but some of us sleep way past noon, and that's when he closes! Noon? That's usually when I rise and shine, have a hearty hangover breakfast, then jet to the john to make my morning sculpture.

I can only assume (because I've never seen him), that five days a week Wayne opens up shop, takes out his scissors, and waits for me to show. But do I? No. And why don't I? Because it's too damned early, Wayne! Some of us need our beauty sleep after staying up drinking fruity cocktails, talking loudly about our quirky exploits, and growing out our hair all night.

Wayne, if you don't need the money, why open at all? Why not call it, Wayne's Closed Barber Shop? Besides, shouldn't we all be fishing at 8 am, or sharing one last cigarette with a gut-cut hooker before wiping the sex off our bodies with an old Maxim Magazine cover?

Wayne's Barber Shop gets my vote for THE best place in all of Portland to not get a haircut. By the time I make it there, the door's locked, and Wayne's comb is already resting peacefully in the funny blue water. Hell, I don't need a haircut anyway. JD

Wayne's Barber Shop, 8713 N Lombard, Open 8-noon, five days a week