This year almost 1500 people answered the Mercury sex survey, and each should be considered perverted in one way or another. Please remember: If the following statistics don't add up to 100%, that means some participants either left boxes blank, or were extra horny and checked more than one answer.

61% of respondents were frisky females!

39% of respondents were hunky he-men!

Average age: 28

78% claim to be God's chosen people: Heterosexual.

9% are convinced they're "GAY" and can't be talked out of it.

1% say they are lesbian, which sounds about right.

And 10% label themselves as "bisexual" which means they could easily change their minds and be something totally different tomorrow.

11% of respondents moan that they're "single and miserable!" 26% brag that they're "single and content!" 15% say they're "going steady," while 18% claim they're "married and content!" However, a whopping 28% whine that they're "married and miserable!"

That means that 28% of these miserable married people are ready to have sex with the 11% who are single and miserable! Members of the Security Council: This will hereafter be referred to as "exhibit A."

In last year's Mercury Sex Survey, when asked what exactly constituted "sex" and what didn't, readers were quick to include "handjobs." OH, WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES!


Vaginal intercourse: 94% agree "that's sex."

Anal intercourse: 77% agree "that's sex."

Oral intercourse: 59% agree "that's sex."

Giving handjobs: Only 43% agree "that's sex."

Dry-humping: Only 19% agree "that's sex."

Ejaculating on someone's face (a "facial"): Only 19% agree "that's sex."

Members of the Security Council: If only 43% agree that a handjob equals "sex," as opposed to the 50% who thought it was "sex" last year--doesn't this mean Portland's sexual morals are loosening? And since when is "ejaculating on someone's face" NOT sex? This only adds to the government's case that Portlanders are in deep denial about their sexual proclivities and are probably walking around with very sticky faces, indeed!

By the way, the average Portlander claims to have had sexual relations with, on average, 8 to 10 different partners over their lifetime. Naturally, these do not include the teeming hordes of strangers whose faces are currently covered with ejaculate.

According to some pop psychologists, the reason Portlanders are so horny is that they were "touched sexually" at a very young age. This, however, is not the case. Most respondents (44%) were between the ages of 15 and 17 the first time they were groped. The groper was probably either a romantic interest (51%), or a "friend" (38%). However, things are looking much better for the Catholic Church, since 0% of the gropers were priests. Whoops... hold on. While none of the respondents were groped by a single priest, it seems that 1% were groped by a "gang of priests." We stand corrected.

Ten years ago the American government asked Portlanders to stop being so dirty. Yet since that time, we have taken numerous satellite photos and intercepted phone communications catching them in the midst of doing things that are very dirty indeed. Even worse, they repeatedly deny these charges. As you will see in this next section, few Portlanders claim to have any knowledge of doing dirty things. But we all know they've been doing them... right? Am I RIGHT??

Sent naked pictures to someone:

31% Yes, 39% No, 29% will do it sometime this year.

Exposed themselves to a stranger:

28% Yes, 68% No, 2% will do it sometime this year.

Tasted their own juices (not butt juices):

32% Yes, 42% No, 1% will do it sometime this year.

Made out with a hobo:

27% Yes, 70% No, 2% will do it sometime this year.

Touched their tongue to a butthole:

45% Yes, 27% No, 3% will do it sometime this year.

Given oral sex while in a moving vehicle:

42% Yes, 28% No, 4% will do it sometime this year.

Given or received a "golden shower":

8% Yes, 90% No, 1% will do it sometime this year.

Rimmed or got rimmed:

32% Yes, 65% No, 1% will do it sometime this year.

Given or received an erotic enema:

3% Yes, 95% No, 1% will do it sometime this year.

Spread peanut butter on their genitals and let a domesticated animal lick it off:

4% Yes, 94% No, 1% will do it sometime this year.

Now... what did we learn from these numbers--besides that Portlanders have an unhealthy aversion to peanut butter? One thing we learned is that hobos have had it pretty cushy, because 27% of Mercury readers have been making out with them. However, these Hobos obviously weren't very good in the kissing department, because only 2% want to make out with them again in the future.

We also learned that Portlanders are unsafe. Otherwise, why are they are more inclined to administer a blowjob in a moving vehicle than give a rimjob? And speaking of rimjobs, here is proof-positive that Portlanders are lying sexual deviants. When the inspectors asked, "Have you ever placed your tongue on a butthole?" 45% replied "Yes." However! When they asked, "Have you ever given or received a rimjob?" (which is practically the same thing) only 32% said "Yes." Someone is lying here, and I don't think it's the United States Government!!

Among with a plethora of amusing anecdotes about ejaculate and rimjobs, the Mercury Sex Inspectors have dug up some disturbing statistics--including one that says "men are a bunch of no-good louts who refuse to eat pussy or pick up a dish."

When asked, "How often does your partner bring up the topic of sex?" 46% said "NEVER!!!" Sadly, 35% of the people who said this were women. When posed with the statement, "My sex life is extremely varied," 55% said that was "a load of crap." Unfortunately, 37% of those who said this were also women. Of the 53% who said "I wish!" when asked if role playing was a part of their sex life, 42% of this poor, pitiful group were... you guessed it, women.

But here is the clincher, and it's something you will NEVER hear Mrs. Colin Powell say: Of the 29% of respondents who claimed their partner needs "a lot of work" when it comes to oral sex... 26% were WOMEN!

Does that mean that Portlanders have been obeying the Security Council's orders to "cease and desist" with the oral sex? NO, THEY HAVE NOT! Because when we asked how many pee-pees were sucked in 2002, 55% of women said they gnawed on anywhere from ONE to FIVE penises that year. Meanwhile, try to guess the percentage of men who went down on at least one to five different VAGINAS in the year 2002. Can't guess? Let me tell you.


That's right, only 13% of Portland men have been doing their rug-munching duty! Is this the kind of world we want to live in, honored members of the International Security Council? I mean, for God's sake! German men eat more pussy than that! (Sorry, Hans.)

Let's get down to the real nitty-gritty, shall we? It's become increasingly obvious that Portland people have been playing games with the Security Council, and those games must stop! What kind of games? Why, poo-poo and hoo-hoo games! While it may appear that Portlanders have been cutting down on intercourse--as they were directed to do by the international community--they are getting around this ruling by sticking things in their poo-poos (anuses) and hoo-hoos (vaginas).

Example: According to the Sex Inspector survey, while 26% claim to "never penetrate their poo-poos with fingers or toys during masturbation," another 26% claim to do so "frequently!" And get this! 42% are penetrating their poo-poos once in awhile--and 25% of these are once again women. What are they doing up there, anyway? They don't have prostates! So unless they're digging for gold, the United States demands the immediate cessation of all butthole noodling. (Unless it's in our buttholes, of course.)

Naturally, the only sure cure for sexual intercourse is "prevention." That's why the Sex Inspectors included a list of things in their survey that potentially make people horny. As you will see from the chart below, some things make people hornier than others. And it is these things that must be stopped in order to have a more chaste Portland!

Portlanders were asked to place a check by every choice that "turned them on." They are ranked from most arousing ("The Olsen twins making out in a hot tub") to the least arousing ("Grandma getting fingered by Carrot Top").

Tongue-kissing= 67% Dirty talk= 52%

Bitings= 49% Nipple-tweaking= 49%

Massage/Manicures= 46% Ear-tonguing= 44%

Public Sex= 40% Romance= 35%

Spankings= 35% Hair-pulling= 33%

Finger up bum= 29% Water play= 28%

Voyeurism= 26% Tickling= 22%

Specific ethnicities= 22% B&D= 20%

Being jizzed on= 20% Rimming= 18%

Foot play= 17% Barely legal teens= 17%

Being shaved= 15% Food play= 14%

Chokings= 7% Being insulted= 6%

Cross-dressing= 5% Pregnant ladies= 4%

Lactation= 3% Plushies/Furries= 3%

She-males= 3% Enemas= 2%

Bestiality= 2%

And unfortunately, obese amputees came in last at 1%

There are those who have accused the Mercury Sex Inspectors of intentionally putting disturbing questions in the survey, because dirty answers "get them off... especially ones about the Olsen Twins." This is mostly, and probably not true. Mercury employees are seasoned professionals who just happen to have a deep scientific interest in blood, fecal matter, and the Olsen Twins.

Therefore, we must assume Portlanders are once again lying, because when asked how they feel about "human blood," 46% thought it was "repulsive," while only 21% thought it was "sexy." And here's an interesting statistic: While 71% of respondents think feces and urine are "repulsive," 89% think fantasizing about sex with family members is also "repulsive." So that means since one thing is obviously less repulsive than the other, Mrs. Powell shouldn't be so quick about denying my "feces/urine" request. Am I right? All I'm saying is just think about it...

And while 45% of those taking this survey said they "never fantasize about being raped," 30% do sometimes have those kind of fantasies. However, only 7% of these people act out these fantasies with their partners.

How do you really catch a pervert? You get inside his or her mind. That's why the Sex Inspectors asked our respondents some deeply personal questions in order to trick them and make them expose themselves for dirty, filthy sluts they are!

1) If I or my partner became pregnant right now, I would...

a) Punch my partner in the stomach, or throw myself down the stairs. 9% chose this one!

b) Schedule an abortion within a week. 34% chose this one!

c) Immediately register at Baby GAP. 42% chose this one (this will make President Bush very happy)!

d) Freak out, 'cuz I'm gay! 12%--all homos--chose this one!

2) If a straight person agrees to let a gay person suck their dick, or dive their muff, that means the straight person is probably...

a) Gay. 3% said this one!

b) Bisexual. 21% said this one!

c) An extra-horny straight. 52% said this one! (Apparently it's now "open season" on straight dick.)

d) Well versed in the art of love. 23% said this one!

3) If your partner brought up the idea of an "open" sexual relationship, would you consider it?

a) Yes. 28% said this one!

b) No. 27% said this one!

c) Maybe, if it were "open" for me and "closed" for my partner. 43% said this one! (If this doesn't prove my point, nothing will.)

4) Is giving a handjob to someone other than your long-term partner really cheating?

a) Yes. 50% said this one!

b) No. 4% said this one!

c) Kinda, but I'll do it anyway. 45% said this one! (The city should put this stat in their tourist brochures. "In Portland, there's a good chance you'll get a handjob!")

5) How about a blowjob or a muff-dive?

a) Yes. 56% said this one!

b) No. 3% said this one!

c) Kinda, but let me at it! 45% said this one! (Portland, you're a dirty, dirty city.)

6) Which is sexiest:

a) Thomas Jefferson's affair with his slave Sally Hemmings. 16% said this one!

b) Britney Spears' affair with Ben Affleck. 8% said this one!

c) Spider-Man's (Tobey Maguire) affair with Superman (the hottie on Smallville). 20% said this one!

e) Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen handcuffed to a double-headed shower nozzle by Xena, Warrior Princess and Gabrielle. 54% said this one!

Ladies and gentlemen of the Security Council: Any city that would prefer to see two underage twins trussed up nude in a shower to the sweet pure Christian love between a master and his slave, is a very sick city indeed.

We have shown you what we believe is inconvertible... is that a word? Okay, let's say we've shown you "real believable" evidence that Portland is far dirtier than they'd like us to think. And though we could easily rest our case now, we are all too happy to continue kicking a dead horse. What follows are actual sexual experiences Portlanders have admitted to accomplishing in the year 2002. The timid or chaste may want to leave the room.

What's the sexiest thing someone did to you in 2002?

My girlfriend slept with her best girlfriend/The hottest girl at our housewarming party followed us up to bed/Sex at Mt. Tabor park/Sent me nude photos/An adorable boy gave me a temporary tattoo with his tongue/She wore a miniskirt without underpants to the park and showed off her hoo-hoo/She was grinding me so hard while slapping my face and choking me/Fucked in front of a webcam/My lover "served herself" to me on the dining room table/Wesson Oil Twister/Fucked me quietly in the corner of a bar/Received a blowjob during the Sleater-Kinney show at the Crystal/He wouldn't have sex with me because of his "girlfriend," but talked dirty to me all night and watched while I masturbated/She yelled, "Spank me harder, bitch"/Licked my poo-poo/Shoved a finger up me bum while I polished the china/Tied me up and held me at knife point/An Australian woman licked my cooter in the stairwell of a Best Western.

And to prove these people plan on continuing their offensive behavior...

Before I die, I swear I'm going to...

Molest a Catholic priest/Fuck my boyfriend with a strap-on and make him moan/Get married and have babies/Do it with a stranger/Get gangbanged by a group of women wearing strap-ons/Bone one of my cousins/Have sex with a prostitute/Attend a dual-penetration party/Get jumped by a horde of bike messenger chicks/Stage an orgy with all my friends/Bang my girlfriend's mother/Have sex on the hood of a moving car/Enjoy a two-headed dildo/ Pleasure a transsexual/Jack off on stage/ Host a "viagra and mesh shorts" party.

Just that someone would even vote in a contest such as this is deeply sickening. However, as long as we're here, let's find out who won.

MALE WINNER: Rasheed Wallace of the Portland Trailblazers!

FEMALE WINNER: Daria O'Neil of the KNRK morning show!

Runners-Up Male:

Rob Marciano

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Stephen Malkmus

Jeff Gianola

Charlie Salas (from Panther)

Runners-Up Female:

Vera Katz

Tonya Harding

The Baristas at Stumptown Coffee

Kelly Day (from FOX 12)

Storm Large (from Storm and the Balls)

We hope you are now satisfied that Portland has been ignoring the Security Council's requests to stop messing around with the pee-pee, the poo-poo, and the hoo-hoo. Now it is up to the international community to join us in our nation's plans to invade Portland and set things right, once and for all. In fact, the first wave of our invasion will take place tonight, when we go undercover at a "viagra and mesh shorts party." You're all invited to come. Except, of course, the Germans. Thank you, and good night.