Wishing for Justin Timberlake

If Justin Timberlake were mine for just one day,

He would make my every lonely tear roll away.

I would take him to Hot Topic, down at the mall,

And show him off to enemies who I hate most of all.

The manager's name is Carissa, who is an evil bitchy hag

Who once said I would look better with my head in a bag.

Justin would grab Carissa by her ugly dyed hair,

And shove her head in a toilet to christen our affair.

Then we'd laugh and laugh at Carissa's tear-soaked face,

As Justin Timberlake tells her, "I love Julia, and you're just an example of the mongoloid race."

Sent in by Julia Hall of Baltimore, Maryland. Thanks, Julia!

A Sonnet for Mandy Mooore

Mandy, you're like a beautiful flower,

When I listen to your songs I feel happiness.

My hero, I could never aspire to less

And when I gaze upon your poster I feel power.

Somedays I stare at your face hour after hour,

I walk down the street thinking of your dress.

Now that I've seen you, I think of nothing less,

I want nothing more than to devour

The sights of your beautiful blue-green eyes,

Your golden locks, your size 6 waist.

My best friend wants to be like you, but she only tries.

To imitate a girl like you is a sign of little taste.

Sometimes I think, "What if Mandy dies?"

Without you, my life would be such a waste.

Sent in by Amy Snyder of Missouri. Thanks, Amy!

Haunted Happenings!

All dressed up and no one to scare? Here are some hellishly horrifying HAUNTED HOUSES for All Hallow's Eve!

Saito's Screamland
Three differently-themed, interactive spook houses, each for a different age group. "The Fun House" is for the crying diaper-soaking babies, "Maze of Madness" requests parental guidance (i.e. probably not scary), and "TerrorVision" won't allow anyone under 15, which means it's time to poop those pants! 10506 SE 82nd Ave, 7-11 pm, $10

Nightmare on Alder
A haunted house in downtown Portland? Well, prepare to have your wits driven right out of your skull when you enter the "Nightmare on Alder" located in the basement of Meier & Frank. Look out for that Clinique Lady!!
621 SW 5th Ave, 7 pm, $8

Haunted Hollywood
Think haunted houses are stupid? Then try "Haunted Hollywood" which features monsters and ghosts mixed in with live-action stunts and pyrotechnics! (But expect to see a re-creation of actor Vic Morrow getting his head lopped off by a helicopter blade.) Beaverton Mall parking lot, 3205 SW Cedar Hills Blvd, 5-Midnight, $7.50

Institute of Terror
Located at the Portland Meadows Racetrack (look out for the ghosts of abused horses). For those who ain't scared by nothin', the Institute is also home to the "3-D Castle of Terror" where guests wear 3-D glasses to heighten the horrifying effect on minds numbed by years of watching murders on the evening news.
Portland Meadows Racetrack, 1001 N Schmeer Rd, Exit 306B off I-5, 7 pm, $9 or $14 for both houses