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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Oh, oh, I never felt this way. How do you give me so much pleasure, and cause me so much pain? LET'S GO TO PRESS.

HOUSECLEANING NOTE: The brand new biweekly Mercury hits the streets in earnest tomorrow morning (though some of you will find 'em this evening). Get excited! Or if you're one of those 43 percent of Americans who get their news solely from Facebook, then by all means, continue ruining America! JERKS.

The romance novelist who is charged with killing her beloved local chef husband Daniel Brophy, wrote an essay titled "How to Murder Your Husband." This should serve as a good lesson for future murderers in regards to things one shouldn't do.

According to the Clackamas County Sheriff's Department, a missing woman hiker on Mt. Hood was killed by a cougar.

The newly formed Mental Health Alliance wants a say in how federally-mandated police reform is going to happen in Portland.

Oregon Sen. Jeff Merkley spilled some tea on last night's Rachel Maddow show, accusing Trump of diverting $10 million from FEMA to help fund ICE. (And he has the receipts!) Not a good look for the president right before Hurricane Florence's arrival.

Speaking of Hurricane Florence, this monster category 4 storm continues to bear down on the Southeast US, with North Carolina in its crosshairs. Landfall is expected to happen on Friday, and many are expecting the storm to have catastrophic consequences.

Trump is dealing with the coming crisis of Hurricane Florence in his usual manner: attacking Puerto Rican officials.

Meanwhile Trump's woeful incompetence is causing HUGE problems for the GOP who are increasingly fearful of losing their grip on the Senate in November—WHICH THEY SHOULD BE.

Trump's Senior White Nationalist Stephen Miller got RIPPED by his former rabbi on Rosh Hashanah for his part in the immigrant child separation horror show.

New Hampshire Democrat Molly Kelly is the 15th woman in the nation this year to be nominated for governor—a new record!

The Pope is calling for an unprecedented meeting with bishops all around the world to discuss the overwhelming number of sexual abuse crimes leveled at Catholic priests.

You may now add formerly beloved comic Norm Macdonald to your "Garbage Celebrities" list, following some very stupid, misogynist remarks he made about the #MeToo movement.

Speaking of Men-Babies: "Tennis umpires reportedly considering boycott of Serena Williams matches." History will not smile fondly on you, fellas.

Looks like old-timey site Gawker is rising from the dead, and will supposedly relaunch in 2019. The best quote from this article: When an ex-employee was asked to comment on what he thought about the resurrection, he said, “It’s a hornets’ nest into which I do not wish to stick my dick."

Now let's look at the WEATHER: Scattered showers and a high of 66 kicks off a wet end to the week.

And finally, kid wins cruise ship dance-off... and the internet.