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Governor Kate Brown celebrates her victory against goatees.
Governor Kate Brown celebrates her victory against goatees. Alex Zielinski

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! I'll be goin' boom like an 808, makin' circles like a figure eight. You know it feels good from head to toe, now hold on to me baby, here we go. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Last night was MIDTERM ELECTIONS in America, and all in all it was a very good night for Democrats—especially in Oregon. Governor Kate Brown handily defeated goateed fake moderate Knute Buehler, Jo Ann Hardesty defeated the often contentious and Wapato supporting Loretta Smith for a seat at Portland's city council, the big-business backed grocery tax ban went down in flames, as did the anti-abortion ballot Measure 106, and the racist attempt to get rid of Oregon's sanctuary state status. Progressive measures passed as well, including the Clean Energy Initiative and the Metro's Affordable Housing Bond which got big, needed wins. PLUS, the Mercury Election Strike Force were at all the celebration parties gobbling up all the snacks—and you can read about all their adventures and more details about last night HERE.

Nationally, the midterms were a bit more of a mixed bag for Democrats, but definitely a very positive step in the right direction. While Republicans maintained control of the Senate (as expected), Dems flipped the House, breaking Trump's stranglehold on the three branches of government. Expect Democrats to throw up a serious roadblock to the president's evil agenda, and launch about a billion investigations (finally!) against him.

And while Democrat dreamboats Beto O'Rourke and Andrew Gillum (the jury's still out on Georgia's Stacey Abrams) made a great showing in tough races, but couldn't take home the win, a shocking number of women, POC, and LGBTQ candidates roared into office last night. These included the first Native American women in Congress, the first Muslim women in Congress, the first openly gay male governor, and the swoon-worthy Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, America’s youngest woman ever elected to Congress. Here are more of the key wins and losses of the night.

Georgia's Stacey Abrams is refusing to concede in her run for governor, hoping to force a runoff with her deeply corrupt and vote suppressing competitor.

Meanwhile Beto O'Rourke went down swinging after his narrow defeat from human turd Ted Cruz, telling supporters "I fucking love you guys." OH DEAR! A CURSE WORD! BY ALL MEANS, LET US CLUTCH OUR PEARLS!

To the surprise of no one, Trump is claiming victory in the midterms but is actually scared shitless, vowing to retaliate bigly if the House launches any investigations into his mountain of corruption. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, DUMMY!

Now that the election is over, Special Counsel Robert Mueller can go back to what he does best: Investigating the shit out of Trump. Expect a lot more knowledge drops in the next few weeks.

Facebook let us know last night that Russian trolls were once again trying to meddle in the midterm elections.


Hey, sports happened last night too, and the Blazers beat the Bucks, 118-103. Check out the recap with lots of halftime fan pics from our own Arthur Bradford.

I loooove this headline: "Girl Scouts sue Boy Scouts after they drop 'Boy' from program name."

Finally People magazine gets it right: The legitimately sexy Idris Elba named "sexiest man alive."

Now let's look at the WEATHER: Get ready for a string of sunny, dry days with highs in the mid- to upper 50s.

And finally, so what if a dog and a duck are in love? WHY DON'T YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS???