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For all we know, Amy Klobuchar couldve won the Iowa caucuses! (She didnt.)
For all we know, Amy Klobuchar could've won the Iowa caucuses! (She didn't.) Scott Olson / geTTY images

Good morning, Portland! Yesterday I was walking downtown and listening to "you should see me in a crown" by Billie Eilish on my earbuds, and I must have gotten too excited during my favorite part of the song because I tripped over my own feet and landed on the sidewalk, cursing the whole way down, my belongings spread out several feet in front of me. No fewer than four people witnessed this, and it was embarrassing as hell—but you know what?

It still wasn't as humiliating as last night's Iowa caucuses were for the Democratic Party!

In case you were out living your life last night instead of watching the MSNBC news team grow increasingly irate as the evening wore on, here's what happened: Nothing! That is to say, no winner was announced—in fact, no official results were released at all. (That didn't stop Mayor Pete from proclaiming victory, however.)

This was the first year Iowa used an app for precincts to report their results back to headquarters, and while we don't yet have the full story on what went wrong, it sounds some kind of coding issue to blame. The same erroneous app is set to be used in the Nevada caucuses in a couple weeks, so that should be fun.

Anyway, here are the rest of the headlines.

Aftermath of Hate: Our friends over at OPB are providing excellent daily coverage of the Jeremy Christian trial. Yesterday saw witnesses recounting the aftermath of Christian's killings and arrest. Video shows Christian failing to express remorse and repeatedly using the n-word after being arrested.

Cap-and-Trade Tug-of-War: The short Oregon 2020 legislative session kicked off yesterday, and Republicans and Democrats clashed over a bill that aims to regulate and reduce corporate carbon emissions. (But the issue isn't as simple as D vs. R—read our coverage of the rift this issue is causing among progressives here.)

Corona Chaos:

That's a Lot of Green: Portland-based Cura Cannabis, a giant in the legal cannabis industry, was forced to pony up the largest OLCC fine in state history—that's the largest fine for weed or alcohol violations. The OLCC hit Cura with a $110,000 fine after the company improperly labeled 186,152 vaporizer cartridges.

Everything Is Awful: The platypus, one of the weirdest and best animals on the planet, is now at risk of going extinct. We have climate change and feral cats to blame.

Quite a State: Donald Trump will deliver the annual State of the Union this evening, less than 24 hours before the Senate is set to vote on his impeachment (the Republican majority is expected to acquit him). Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer, a person I have never heard of, will give the Democratic response speech.

And the Circle, It Goes Round and Round: It's just one week until the New Hampshire primary!

Just One More Caucus Joke: