MONDAY, OCTOBER 30
Today, Officer Michael Lee Peters of Bandon, Oregon was arrested after the discovery of a very naughty videotape. Here's what happened: Peters was the leader of a group of Explorers, or Boy Scouts who are interested in a career in law enforcement. The video, which had been produced with police department equipment and widely distributed around the small town of Bandon, captured four of his Explorers exploring various acts of sodomy, as well as an incredibly diverse array of nasty behavior. Though Peters denies having anything to do with the tape, another Explorer later confessed to having a sexual relationship with her Scoutmaster, which led to Peters' dismissal and the expulsion of the four Explorers. To clarify, One Day does not believe that sodomy in and of itself is nasty (especially among teenagers yum!), but add a mustachioed middle-aged cop into the mix? Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 31
Tonight was Halloween, and Portland saw many of its most wholesome half-pints taking to the streets dressed as ghouls or princesses and peddling for Brite Crawlers and gooey caramels. However, the most creative costume award goes to a kid dressed as an aged, ailing crackhead, trick-or-treating for that increasingly popular Halloween confection, cough syrup. One Day was picking up our hourly fix of coffee in a corner market when the adorably costumed boy halted us sans parents and said, "Trick-or-treat for some cough syrup--and it costs fifteen dollars!" He then opened up his mouth to show us his throat. His prosthetic rotten teeth, covered in a malleable-looking plastic black moss, were so realistic! Having no candy on our person, and not wanting to contribute to the actual decay of his pearly whites, we gave the boy a dollar. Young boy, wherever you are, congratulations! (Now, go home and take care of that cough!)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 1
As the CNN of the alterna-slacker community, One Day is known for sometimes "gussying up" news events to entice even the least connected and most shiftless of readers. However, once in a blue moon, we are presented with a story so riveting that we need do nothing but report it verbatim. Here is such a story, lifted directly from The Guardian: "The German chancellor, Gerhard Schröder, yesterday accidentally extinguished Israel's memorial flame for the six million Jews killed in the holocaust. At a somber ceremony in the Yad Vashem Holocaust memorial in Jerusalem, Mr. Schroder turned a handle that was supposed to make the flame rise. It went out instead. The Israel prime minister, Ehud Barak, who had accompanied the German leader to Yad Vashem's hall of remembrances, stepped forward to try to help, but was unsuccessful. A technician eventually ignited the flame."
Now. While One Day refuses to damage the integrity of this story with any editorializing, there are still questions that deserve answers! WHY is the level of the gas flame variable? Do they make the flame higher on days they're feeling WORSE about the 6 million dead? And does anyone else find it distasteful that the Holocaust dead are memorialized with a GAS FLAME? But most importantly: When the Chancellor's accident occurred, did he say, "Vhoopsy"?
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 2
Here's something we didn't know: even hookers have fantasies! Today, in Kent, Washington, a police officer stopped his patrol car to kill some time and chat up a prostitute. The officer, Deputy Steve Johnson, deduced she was a prostitute because she was wearing "a very short dress, stockings and high heels." And know what? He was right! For as the woman approached his car, she not only told him what she did for a living, but also shared a very personal, very secret fantasy--she'd always wanted to you know "do it" with a uniformed police officer. When the officer asked how much it would cost him to fulfill her fantasy, she gave him the cut rate of 40 bucks. He then invited her into the backseat of his car, and when she climbed inSLAM! He closed the door and took her kicking and screaming to a jail cell. There he and his cop buddies had a hilarious time calling the woman "the world's most gullible hooker."
Waitasecond--this story was supposed to be sexy! God! We hate the police department!!
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 3
Alleged cokehead George W. Bush admitted today that he had once driven under the influence of alcohol. There's a shocker.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 4
Tonight, child star Corey Feldman (Stand by Me, Goonies) electrified the packed Cobalt Lounge with the rock 'n' roll stylings of his band. After his stunning entrance through ten feet of smoke, Corey, dressed in a top hat and Oakley sunglasses, regaled the audience with not only his music, but the deeply personal thoughts behind his music. "This is a song I wrote about relationships," he would point out, or "This one's about racism." However, our favorite intro of the bunch was, "Here's one called 'Depressed.' It's about all the assholes in the press who have fucked with me for so long." And just when you thought it couldn't get any better, he took off his shirt! We sincerely could've died! Although Corey is a little shorter than we normally like our leading men, One Day would like to assert to his agent that if he ever needs a leading lady in Dream a Little Dream 3, don't hesitate to give us a ring.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 5
Vice Presidential candidate Joseph Lieberman visited Portland today, and while phoning voters from the local Democratic headquarters, called One Day at home to ask for our support. We in turn asked him, "Who can even think about putting you and Gore in the White House when owls are attacking from above? Rangers at St. Edward Park in Kirkland, Washington sent out an all-points bulletin today, warning bicyclists and hikers to stay away from the park at night after two people were brutally attacked by owls last month. Wildlife biologist Patricia Thompson tried to alleviate the public's fears by claiming the migratory season would soon be over. However, these calming words were soon replaced by the fearful warning that being hit by an owl is like being "socked by a volleyball--with talons!" Incredibly, local rangers are keeping the park open, and issuing a warning for the public to carry big sticks and heavy coats to protect themselves. So we ask you, Senator Lieberman, what are you going to do about the owl problem??" He never really gave us an answer, so we guess he hung up.
Next week: One Day reports from London!
