MONDAY, AUGUST 1
Think things couldn't get worse for the nanny-philandering Jude Law? Keep on thinking! Now it appears ex-fiancée Sienna Miller has been impregnated by Law's no-good sperm! First, a recap: Tongues have been wagging ever since Law's family nanny Daisy Wright blabbed to the British press about porking the admittedly delectable Law under the pointy nose of gal-pal Sienna. The jilted Sienna responded by sticking her tongue down the even-hotter Orlando Bloom's throat. Law freaked out, made a sniveling public apology, and begged Sienna for another chance. Sienna may have responded were it not for the complication of Orlando Bloom's tongue, which was still in her mouth. BUT ALL THAT CHANGED THIS WEEK, when the semi-reliable tabloid The Star broke the spectacularly scandalous news that Sienna is six weeks pregnant with Law's love-child—and to make matters more awkward, she broke the news to her parents TWO DAYS before the nanny's confession made international gossip pages! Isn't that so deliciously horrible? Naturally, the looming specter of a squalling infant changes everything—and has led to Jude and Sienna entering into what the press is calling "crisis talks" (we suppose boinking a nanny is what passes as a "crisis" these days). Details from these "crisis talks" have yet to be revealed, although we do know this, according to snoopy spies: Sienna will be keeping the kid, and kicking Jude out. On the upside, Jude did convince North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il to stop his relentless pursuit of nuclear weapons. Phew! Crisis averted.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 2
Why doesn't this ever happen when we're in a plane crash? Today a jetliner in Toronto carrying 309 people skidded off the runway and into a ravine, where it broke into pieces and burst into flames—AND EVERYONE LIVED. It's currently presumed Air France Flight 358 was struck by lightning moments before landing, causing a power outage, followed by the plane crashing into a nearby ravine. The doors opened, the slides activated and all 309 passengers jumped to safety. As of press time none of the passengers are reporting invisible monsters or polar bears. (Please note reference to one of our favorite shows, ABC's Lost. Isn't Sawyer dreamy?) Meanwhile... Disgraced former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson has embarked on a more respectable career: porn star. Claiming desperation after learning he owes the IRS several million dollars, Tyson has gone from amateur sex offender to professional, reportedly preparing to star in a porn flick alongside dirty movie queen Jenna Jameson. At least one boxing journalist thinks he would be good at it. "According to court documentation from Tyson's  rape trial, his member is at least 14 inches long," said pugilist prognosticator Pedro Fernandez. Though we can't say we'll be rushing out to the porno store for this one, we do wish Ms. Jameson luck with her new co-star: Among other things, we hear he's a biter.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 3
However, when push comes to shove, we'd rather take on Mike Tyson than former supermodel Naomi Campbell. The tempestuous clotheshorse is being sued by actress pal Yvonne Scio, who's claiming Naomi beat the shit out of her—for wearing a similar dress. The brawl went down in Rome's posh Eden Hotel, where police say "Ms. Scio came to the station with cuts to her lip. She said that Naomi had insulted her and attacked her over some clothes she was wearing." According to Scio's lawyer, "This was a completely unprovoked attack of violence by Naomi. Yvone is in bed in a lot of pain. Her face is in a terrible way. She lost a lot of blood." Fine! Whatever! Tell us what we really want to know: Is the dress okay, and who is the designer?
THURSDAY, AUGUST 4
In the latest edition of One Day at a Time's continuing series entitled, "WE TOLD YOU SO!", the American public inched a bit closer this week to realizing that President Bush is and has been full of shit in regard to the war in Iraq. An AP-Ipsos poll released today says that the number of people who approve of Bush's tactics in Iraq have dipped from an underwhelming 45 percent to an even more underwhelming 38 percent. Even more damning, the people who consider the President to be "honest" has also dropped, from 53 to 48 percent. According to the poll, it appears Bush is losing support among two key groups that helped him get elected in 2004: young women in the suburbs (What up, Gresham?), and less-educated men with a high school education or lower (What up, Gresham?). As usual Bush remains unfazed, even after the heavy casualties suffered this week in Iraq—including 14 Marines killed in a roadside bombing. "We will stay the course, we will complete the job in Iraq," said the President after an aide pulled a string in his back. Don't worry Mr. President, you've still got the support of your number one demographic: the terrorists. After all, where would they be without an enemy like you?
FRIDAY, AUGUST 5
Marilyn Monroe, who in her day was like Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson rolled into one, but with Lindsay Lohan's problems and Mary-Kate's self-esteem, is still feeding the insatiable hunger of the chattering class, bless her miserable, drug-addled heart. In private (ha!) tapes of meetings with her psychiatrist, MM touches on her fling with RFK (he was like the John Kerry-by-way-of-Topher Grace of his day) and other bombshells. The most delightful nugget? MM told her shrink that she bonked Joan Crawford (obviously the Faye Dunaway of her day), who, as anyone who has read Hollywood Babylon knows, was a raging bisexual, at the very least. The creepiest bit? MM refers to herself in the third person. How disconnected from your public persona do you have to be to do THAT? Ann Romano is aghast.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 6
Crew members at a recent photo shoot were shocked, horrified and disgusted when Angelina's adopted moppet Maddox was overheard calling Brad Pitt "Daddy." Angie and Brad have denied a romantic relationship despite the fact that Angie and kids have shacked up with Brad at his Malibu love nest. At a California photo shoot, Maddox reportedly spilled the beans. An apoplectic and severely traumatized witness told The Sun, "Maddox shouted, 'Where's my daddy? I can't see my daddy?'" as he frantically looked for Brad. Either Brad has donned the role of step-papa, or Maddox has been listening at the bedroom door again.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 7
Jessica Simpson wants you to know that her breasts are one hundred percent bona fide. Yeah... We didn't ask either. But since she's brought it up, if her boobs are true blue, then why do pictures of her younger days show an apparently more diminutive bosom? Jessica says she used to hide her stunning décolletage from her petty and envious peers with loose clothing. By which she means halter tops that don't actually show the nipple. She says of her breasts: "Mine are DEFINITELY real. At school, my boobs were bigger than ALL my friends and I was afraid to show them... Now, I feel they make my outfits look better. They're like an accessory." Speaking of breasts, have you seen Brit's knockers recently? Enormous! Just utterly swollen with milk ducts! The Associated Press reported today that one photographer attempting to snap a picture of Brit's milk ducts as they entered a residential home, was shot in the leg with a BB gun. Firefighters reportedly bandaged the man's leg and rushed him to a local hospital. Who was the shooter? It's a total mystery. Just a complete head-scratcher.