MONDAY, OCTOBER 10 America—who hates being #2 to anyone—will just have to learn to suck it; because when it comes to gathering tabloid gossip, those tongue-waggy Brits are top o' the pops, guv'ner! English tab OK! magazine (which you can now find proudly displayed at the grocery checkout line) makes no bones about paying Hollyweird celebs for exclusive interviews and hot pix—and this week, they scored their biggest coup yet with pictures from the supposed wedding of Ashton Kutcher and grandma/wife Demi Moore. Though it's still unclear how much OK! had to pony up for the photos, insiders claim it's upward of $3.5 million. Hope it was worth it, because unfortunately for poor Demi, the world will now see that her new hubby is an IDIOT. While Mrs. Kutcher chose to sport an absolutely darling white Lanvin gown, her stupid immature groom wore a cream-colored Brooks Brothers suit (Hey kids, it's the ice cream man!) and—get ready to shudder—a fedora. Ashton, you IDIOT. You look like Truman Capote on steroids. Regardless of this fashion disaster, Demi actually went through with the ceremony and acted proud of her new idiot husband. "I feel blessed to be sharing my love and life with this incredible man," Demi said, while trying to keep her dentures in her mouth. "I am proud to be Mrs. Ashton Kutcher!" Ugggghhh! The stomach reels! But not as much as hearing what Kutcher had to say: "I hope the love that we share can resonate around the world, so that someday I can hear its echo." Well, Ashton... you're in luck. Here comes that echo now: "ASHTON... Ashton... ashton... you're an IDIOT... Idiot... idiot!"
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 11 Poor Boy George! Our fave flamboyant Brit pop star was absolutely crushed when his NYC flat was raided by American bobbies—who discovered no less than 13 bags of blow. But the scandal doesn't stop there! According to the New York Post, the singer-cum-DJ had invited a male prostitute to his apartment—to play some Parcheesi, for all we know—when the pro demanded all of George's money. Says a source, "George said no and said he was going to call the police. The prostitute said, 'Go ahead and you'll go to jail.' So George freaked out because he was high [on 'life,' we presume], called the police, the prostitute left, and George got arrested." The former Culture Club crooner was charged with a class A felony after up to three and a half grams of coke were found on the premises. Even worse? He was also charged with falsely reporting a burglary! THAT DOES IT! As vice-president of the Portland Chapter of the Karma Chameleons—Oregon's largest Boy George fan club—we hereby vow to go on a hunger strike until our hero is released! (Okay, fine. We'll wait until after lunch. Have you tried the frozen chocolate soufflé at Roux? It's simply divine.)
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 12 It was announced today that Scientology's newest convert/zombie Katie Holmes is continuing in her never-ending quest to ruin her career by pulling out of Dennis Quaid's movie Shame on You in order to "focus" on her pregnancy. How much "focusing" does she need to do? From what we understand, nature is supposed to take care of that side of things. However, one potential theory for her speedy exit from the film is setting Hollyweird tongues on fire; that instead of THREE months pregnant, the ingénue might really be FIVE months preggo. Katie is reportedly so concerned about waddling up the wedding aisle looking like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters, she and Tom are planning on moving their nuptials from Christmas time to next month. Apparently this is fine and dandy with Tom, who would rather get married sooner than later. "Tom's old-fashioned," said a snoopy source to Britain's Daily Mirror. "He wants his child to be born in wedlock." Well, nothing's more old-fashioned than knocking up your girlfriend without a condom.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13 For those sadists out there keeping score—and we're a proud member—President Bush's approval ratings continue to plummet into the toilet. Three new opinion polls released this week reveal that Americans have next to no faith in the Republican leader putting the country back on the right track. When asked for comment, One Day at a Time author Ann Romano said, "HA. HA. HA." Pew Research Center pollster Andrew Kohut also chimed in, saying, "Bush's numbers are going from bad to worse, and there is no silver lining. People just see more and more bad news everywhere and they don't see a way out." We didn't need a poll to tell us this. For the past three years, we've been informing our readers that Bush's policies are stupider than Ashton Kutcher's fedora, and lame-brained Republicans have been writing in regularly to dispute this obvious fact—that is, until recently. Lately, we haven't heard a peep from these normally loudmouthed conservatives. Obviously, they finally realize that THEY'VE BEEN WRONG THIS ENTIRE TIME. And that makes Ann Romano... what? Correct. That makes us RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. (Is it wrong to gloat? Well, that's a perfect question to ask Ann Romano... who's always RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.)
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14 It's official: English actor (and rumored Sienna Miller squeeze) Daniel Craig has been chosen to be the next James Bond. The announcement followed two years of auditions and counted Clive Owen and Ewan McGregor among contenders. Following the announcement (an old-fashioned publicity stunt with Craig arriving at the press conference via boat), the general reaction of fans was: "Who is Daniel Craig?" Followed by: "What the fuck?" He was described in various news reports as unattractive with "fleshy ears." The New York Times ran his photograph on the front page. The FRONT PAGE. As you have probably been reserving judgment until hearing our perspective, here it is: Fleshy ears aside, Daniel Craig is an excellent choice. He has charisma. (See Sienna Miller.) And he can act. People forget his thoughtfully intense performance as Alex West in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15 Paris Hilton and Bijou Phillips (do you think Paris hangs out with her because of her French name?) were on their way out of the LA club Mood when a photographer got too close and Paris' bodyguard pushed him to the ground. At this point the bodyguard reportedly yelled: "Don't ever touch me!" An overreaction? Perhaps there's something more to the story. Was the bodyguard devastated about Fox's recent decision to cancel The Simple Life? Was he influenced by Mood's ennui (we hope they serve a cocktail called PMS), or perhaps he and the photographer had a torrid affair and then the photographer left him for Sienna Miller. Or Daniel Craig. Whatever. It's complicated. The important thing is that Paris and Bijou are okay.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 16 US Weekly is reporting that Britney Spears is working hard to lose the "at least 25 pounds" she gained during her pregnancy. Yeah. Try 50 pounds. Apparently Brit is holed-up in her mansion, afraid to leave the house, should someone snap a fat picture. And haven't we all had weeks like that after the holidays, ladies? Brit, who had a C-section for optimal post-preggers vaginal tunnel tightness, is getting back into her exercise routine, which apparently includes some "light walking" and swimming. Soon, she will enter The Zone and begin 90-minute workouts with a trainer. We'll expect to see that flab burned off just about the time her lay-about hubby knocks her up again. Oh, Brit. You should have stayed married to that other guy.