MONDAY, JANUARY 30 Hold on to your hats for this one, folks: For some reason, teen screen queen Lindsay Lohan was caught at geriatric rocker Bryan Adams' ("Summer of '69") mansion [!!], and after taking a shower (!!) was rushed to the hospital to get 10 stitches after cutting her shin on a broken teacup. (Zzzzt. Does... not... compute. Zzzt!) Since this doesn't make a lick of sense, let's see how Lindsay's mom tries to explain away the Freaky Friday star's bizarre behavior to Star magazine. "[Lindsay] and her friends were preparing breakfast," said Lindsay's mom Dina, who doesn't seem shocked that her "friends" were there, too. "And Lindsay was going up the stairs, carrying a ceramic teacup. She had just come out of the shower [!!], so she was still wet and had some lotion on [!!!], and she completely flipped on the stairs since it was slippery." Okay, Dina... we don't believe you. And we think you may have left out a critical piece of information... like... what the FREAK was Lindsay Lohan doing at Bryan Adams' house in the first place?? EWW! MEANWHILE... America's most despised layabout, Kevin Federline, was barely stopped in the nick of time by a frantic Britney Spears from piercing his four-month-old son's ears. After learning of Kevin's idiotic scheme, Britney and her security team leapt into action, chasing the father/son duo across town in their car. After reminding the dunce that infantile Sean Preston hadn't received a tetanus shot yet, according to an insider, "she complained that apart from looking like white trailer trash, Sean would be taken for a girl if he wore earrings." AS WELL AS the son of the stupidest person alive. But she probably didn't mention that part.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 31 Here's a switch—while most people complain about the products Wal-Mart sells, three women have filed a law suit because of something the big box store doesn't sell—namely, emergency contraception. The lawsuit would require all Wal-Mart pharmacies in Massachusetts to carry the Plan B contraceptive (which prevents a fertilized egg from implanting into the uterus)—a failure to stock the product would be a violation of state law. Naturally the Christian muckety-mucks hate Plan B because they think it's somehow akin to abortion, but instead of saying that, Wal-Mart executives claim they don't stock the product because of "slow sales" and "low demand." So they would prefer it if women were having more unsafe sex and pregnancy scares? Maybe they should just "roll back" prices on leaky condoms.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 1 It was a nightmare come true for Brad and Angelina when a crazed German Jennifer Aniston fan threatened to attack the pair in a Berlin restaurant. (Not to sound racist, but German Jennifer Aniston fans are the worst.) The twosome—who are apparently still not dating even though Pitt has adopted Jolie's kids, and are having a child together this summer—were chowing down at Berlin's posh Nola eatery when a woman wearing a Friends T-shirt stormed in and screamed, "Where is that home-wrecking Angelina?" Security quickly whisked the celebs away before the wacked-out fan could do any damage. Somebody needs to call the Department of Homeland Security. That Jennifer Aniston Army is scarier than al-Qaeda! MEANWHILE... Conflicting stories in the ongoing saga of Nick and Jessica. According to Britain's More magazine, the splitsville twosome have been "sorting out" their problems in a private hotel room. ("Sorting out" is British for "snogging," which is even more British for "doing it.") After their first "sorting out," Nick reportedly asked Jessica if she "enjoyed it." An insider gabbed, "As soon as she said 'yes,' he asked if she wanted to do it again [American slang for 'having sex']. They've met up several times since then." However, also on the gossip wire today is a report from In Touch magazine, claiming that Nick is doing some "sorting out" on his own—with Miss Kentucky 2001! It's all very confusing, but here's hoping Nick and Jessica eventually "work things out" [which is British for anal sex].

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 2 It's official: Nicky Hilton—sister to Paris— is MEAN (but funny). It was reported today on that the heiress to the Hilton fortune called The O.C.'s Mischa Barton "a fat pig." We don't know how this feud started, but when Nicky saw the rail-thin Barton swoop into a party at the swanky Regent Beverly Wilshire, she snapped, "What is that fat pig doing here?" When informed of the slight, Barton took the high road, saying, "If Nicky really made that remark it says more about her than it does about me." Right you are, Mischa! It says Nicky is blind—though her sense of smell is spot on, because you really are a pig.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3 So, let's say that you're a celebrity photographer. You're aware that you're human scum, but you've got a family to support. You get assigned to take pictures of Chris Penn's funeral. Now, everyone knows that Sean Penn hates celebrity photographers. He attacks them, often punching them in the face. He will really, really hate photographers at his brother's funeral. What do you do? Well, you're a professional, right? You go to the funeral. You snap pictures of the grieving family. And then what happens? Sean Penn gets angry. He gets really angry. All the guests—an all-star roster of rabble-rousers including Jack Nicholson, Charlie Sheen, Tom Sizemore, and Robert Downey Jr.—look at you with their best evil-actor-eye. Penn seethes. But he is too irate and grief-stricken to move. So Mark Ruffalo (Mr. Sensitive, Mr. Congeniality, Mr. Independent Leading Man) confronts you and wrestles the memory card from your camera. (It could have been worse, you think. It could have been Tom Sizemore. He's fucking crazy.) So Mark Ruffalo, who was a total schmuck in Just Like Heaven, steals your memory card, and now you have to go back to your bosses and be like, "I don't have any pictures. Mark Ruffalo took them." Well, things could be worse. It could've been Quentin Tarantino.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4 Stephanie Tanner, from Full House, a tweaker? Yes! Fulfilling her destiny as a former child star, Jodie Sweetin has revealed that she used to have a daily meth habit. But wait! In fact, Sweetin didn't go drug-mad until she started living a "normal" life, after the show was canceled. She went to high school and college and then married an LA cop when she was 20. Two years later she was bored. Really? She married a cop before she could legally drink and it wasn't everything she imagined? How disappointing. So she started experimenting with drugs. This is where it gets good, because her former cast-mates reportedly tried an intervention. Wow! John Stamos, Bob Saget and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen got Sweetin to check herself into a rehab clinic for six weeks! Now 24, Sweetin is divorcing the cop, and pursuing her acting career. You go, girl. Everything's going to be fine. So can you please return the favor for Mary-Kate and Ashley?

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 5 The Super Bowl was today, but who cares about that? Let's talk about the commercials. A heartfelt, tender spot for Dove Soap urged viewers to improve the self-esteem of teenage girls. Apparently some teenage girls think they're not pretty or thin enough. And frankly some of the girls in the commercial were sort of ugly—and one was pretty fat. But, then, we can't all be NFL cheerleaders. This is why it's so important to send all girls to cheerleading camp. And buy them soap. In all seriousness, it was a nice ad, but it's just going to lead to a bunch of clueless, well-intentioned men sidling up to 13-year-old girls to tell them how beautiful they are, and then getting arrested. Thanks a pant-load, Dove! As if our prisons aren't crowded enough already.