MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19 Previously on Britney Spears Goes Batshit... As gleefully reported last week, Britney checked herself in... and promptly OUT of Eric Clapton's Crossroads rehab facility (probably because Kenny Rogers Roasters was having a two-for-one special). Then on Friday, Britta shocked the world by shaving off her locks and installing two new stupid tattoos, after which she went clubbing in a cheap blonde wig she stole from E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial. But it's a brand-new week, right? And everybody deserves a second chance, yes? That's why we'd like to congratulate Britney for doing the right thing today, and checking herself back into rehab! Apparently the rest of her family recognized how horrendous she looked in E.T.'s wig, and staged a hasty intervention, which sent Britney scurrying back to rehab—this time in Malibu (the city, not the rum). P.S. We win 30 bucks if you stay longer than 24 hours, Britney. SO DON'T DISAPPOINT US.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20 "We ask that the media respect her privacy as well as those of her family and friends at this time," said Britney Spears' beleaguered manager Larry Rudolph, confirming that the bald former pop queen has successfully managed to stay in rehab for coming up on 24 hours. (Keep going, girl! You can make it! One minute at a time!) Now... what was Larry saying about "privacy"? Hmmm... can't remember. Anyway, the paparazzi was out in full force today outside the Promises rehab facility hoping to catch some shots of drooling Britney wearing a straitjacket and being pushed around the grounds in a wheelchair. Unfortunately, all they could catch was a couple of shots of her smoking cigarettes on the veranda... BOOOORING! Therefore, let's switch channels and see what Lindsay Lohan is up to, who NEVER disappoints us. OH! As it turns out, LiLo was actually released from the Wonderland rehab facility today after 30 days of treatment (if you don't count the time she left to get her Mercedes serviced, and last night when she went clubbing). That's right, the night before her release, the teen queen was spotted out on the town at LA hotspot Teddy's. The next night she was at Les Deux chatting gaily with heartthrob Justin Timberlake, and NOT getting her head shaved. We call that a bona fide success, and... WAIT. This just in from Promises rehab in Malibu—BRITNEY SPEARS HAS ESCAPED AGAIN. We repeat, Britney Spears did NOT complete her first 24 hours of treatment and is currently at large. Authorities are advising the public to stay inside their homes, and most importantly, not to panic. There's nothing to be alarmed about and... OH GOD! LOOK OUT, EVERYBODY! BRITNEY SPEARS HAS AN UMBRELLA!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 21 It was a sleepless night of terror after Britney Spears "checked herself out" of Malibu's Promises rehab facility, and showed up at the doorstep of ex-hubby Kevin Federline demanding to see her kids. In his first wise move ever, K.Fed refused to let her in—however, this further enraged the marauding Britney who then went on a crazed umbrella spree. Cursing and violently swinging the umbrella, she attacked a group of paparazzi (caning one in the back) before repeatedly pummeling and causing minor damage to a nearby—and completely innocent—SUV. (Actually, the SUV wasn't a hybrid... so as Britney might have noted, it's "not that innocent." GET IT?? GET IT?? Thank yew! Thank yew! We'll be here all week.) Luckily for everyone in Tinsel Town, Britney's mother eventually tracked her down, took away her umbrella, and sent her daughter back to Promises rehab who promised to help her "baby, one more time." OH BOY! We know it's a tragedy and everything, but WE ARE ON FIRE TODAY!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22 So third time's the charm, right? Yeah, we didn't believe it either, except that this time Britney had a little extra impetus to keep her ass in rehab: Kevin threatening to take her to court. On Wednesday, K.Fed and his legal team—that sounds bizarre, doesn't it?—called for an emergency court hearing that would grant him custody of Britney's brood. However, after "the umbrella incident," Britney swore up and down that she would return to rehab if he cancelled the court date. Britney also agreed that Kevin should take the kids for the entirety of her 30- to 45-day stay. And while Brit's umbrella and head-shaving tirade may have been weird, the part that's really blowing our mind is how K.Fed has gone from the laziest man in the universe to parent of the year. "Kevin just wants her to be okay," said one source close to the family. "He loves her, so however she can get better... [They] will make it work for the kids." Even former Britney hubby Jason Alexander—who once claimed to despise Federline—had nice words to say. "[Federline] is a good dude," Alexander remarked. "I know he takes care of those kids." WOW. Suddenly, it turns out that marrying Britney Spears can do wonders for your reputation. (Dick Cheney, Osama bin Laden, and Michael Jackson? Get in line.)

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 23 Now, on to more important topics—such as George Clooney. George, you know how we feel. If you were to drive up in front of our house, we'd be sliding into your front seat before you could come to a full stop. Yes, George—even if you've had some work done. In a TV interview with pal Julia Roberts (damn you, Julia Roberts!), George admitted that, "I had my eyes done. Can you tell? I think it's important to look awake." (Coincidentally, Roberts, who made out with George in those Ocean's Eleven movies, is a hussy and a skank). While we should note that this admission diminishes neither George's dreamy good looks nor cool charm—indeed, isn't his honesty refreshing and alluring?—when he asked Roberts if she'd had any work done, she claimed she hadn't... "yet." Which is a lie. A hydraulic spreader has obviously widened that horsy mouth.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 24 Hey, black people? Virginia's sorry. Today Virginia's politicians unanimously passed a measure that apologized for the whole "slavery" thing, stating it "ranks as the most horrendous of all depredations of human rights." While having no actual impact, Virginia lawmakers insisted that the motion sent a symbolic message from the state, which was once a member of the Confederacy. When asked his opinion, the State of Virginia was less enthused. "Well, Ah jus' don' know," the state drawled, while whittling on a corn-cob pipe. "Ah suppose Ah should apol'gize an' all, an' Ah'm real shure it was a real depred... depredatio... bad thang that done happened, but, well... hey! Hey, Mamma! That gosh-durn pig done got loose again! Ah swear, he's slicker than a wrigglin' eel in an oilslick! I'ma-gonna catch him, and then I'ma-gonna kiss him! Woooooo-wheeee!"

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 25 Today the Associated Press reported that while most Americans know how many American troops have died in Iraq (around 3,000), they "woefully underestimate" the number of Iraqi casualties, with most guessing around 10,000. (FYI, actual estimates of Iraqi deaths hover at least around 54,000.) MEANWHILE... and in way less depressing news, everyone in the world (well, except for those dead Iraqis) dropped what they were doing and turned their eyes toward Hollyweird's biggest par-tay, the 79th Academy Awards! Auteur Marty Scorsese—a six-time nominee, who has never won—finally received a Best Director statuette for The Departed, while American Idol wannabe Jennifer Hudson won Best Supporting Actress for Dreamgirls. Many were shocked that Eddie Murphy—who had been a strong favorite to win Best Supporting Actor—didn't get an Oscar, but not to worry! He'll certainly have another chance after the debuts of Daddy Day Care 2, The Nutty Professor XXIV, and the film Eddie considers to be "my Grapes of Wrath," The Further Adventures of Pluto Nash.