MONDAY, MARCH 24 Relax, train-wreck lovers! Tonight Britney Spears made a guest appearance on the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother, and she did not do any of the following: flash her veej at the live studio audience; erupt into alternating fits of tears, maniacal laughter, and rage; or bash co-star Neil Patrick "Doogie Howser" Harris over the head with a golf umbrella. However, according to most of those who watched the show, she was "okay." Now "okay" may not mean a lot to you and ourselves, but to Britney, receiving an "okay" is like getting a gold medal at the Special Olympics. "Okay" job, Brit! We think you're almost ready for lace-up shoes! MEANWHILE... So what happens when Britney is on her best behavior and her roving band of paparazzi don't have anything to photograph? THEY EAT EACH OTHER. Photographer Alison "I'm not a girl, though I have a girl's name" Silva is suing the paparazzi photo agency X17, claiming he was beaten and kicked unconscious outside Britney's mansion by a gang of the agency's photogs. Silva alleges that three X17 snappers approached him saying, "You should not be here. Only X17 gets these shots," and proceeded to assault him. "They kicked and punched me almost to death," Silva said. "I was beat up for doing my job. Most people think, 'Oh, he's just a paprazzo, he's nothing.' [But] if it weren't for people like me, those pictures wouldn't be in the magazines you enjoy." Oh, in that case, can you guys hold him down so we can kick him, too?

TUESDAY, MARCH 25 As you know, Oregon has few celebrities. Therefore when our state does produce a famous person, we generally treat them with kid gloves. However, when it comes to Oregon native/American Idol contestant Kristy Lee Cook? Honey, the gloves are coming off! For those unfamiliar with this season of AI, Kristy Lee is a country-fried blonde bombshell who has slithered her way into the talent competition's top 10. Why are we bringing this up? Because it is now up to all Oregonians to... STOP VOTING FOR KRISTY LEE COOK! Here's why she should be sent back to shoveling horse shit on her Selma, Oregon, farm: On tonight's particularly horrific episode, Kristy Lee sang a faux-stirring rendition of the jingoistic Lee Greenwood tune "God Bless the USA" (sample lyric: "I'm proud to be an American/Where at least I know I'm free." Ugh!). This will undoubtedly keep her in the competition for another month thanks to votes from the beer-swilling trailer park demographic, who falsely believe that a vote for Kristy is a vote against Osama bin Laden... and France. SECONDLY, on Kristy Lee's American Idol profile page she is asked, "Who is the person that you would most like to meet," to which she responds, "Jesus, James Franco, John Hagee." We have no problem with the first two, though George Clooney is clearly a superior choice to a guy with nails in his palms. Our problem lies with Kristy Lee's third choice, the Reverend John Hagee. As you may or may not know, the Rev. Hagee is a highly paid televangelist who also believes that (a) America should make a preemptive military strike against Iran, (b) J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter is contemporary witchcraft, (c) abortions and homosexuality are immoral, (d) Catholicism is a "Godless theology of hate," (e) the Qur'an contains a "scriptural mandate to kill Christians and Jews," and (f) Hurricane Katrina was "the judgment of God against New Orleans." We have no idea how he feels about George Clooney—but if his other views are any indication, they probably wouldn't get along. SO LISTEN UP, OREGON! A vote for Kristy Lee Cook is a vote for those who idolize narrow-minded bigots—and who wants an American Idol like that?

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 26 BUSTED! Today Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton backpedaled on previous statements, after being caught in a bald-faced lie. On at least two occasions, Hillary has recounted a story in which, during her husband's administration, she landed on a Bosnian airfield and had to run in order to avoid sniper fire. Unfortunately, she was called on the veracity of her story by the Philadelphia Daily News' editorial board, who asked her about video footage of the event which clearly showed her and daughter Chelsea calmly stopping to gab with Bosnian residents and accept a poem from a child. "I say a lot of things," Hillary said as an example of a lot of things she says. "[I say] millions of words a day, so if I misspoke, that was just a misstatement." YEAH! So give Hillary a break. When she said "sniper fire" she really meant "adorable eight-year-old girl handing her a poem." That's a misspoken misstatement anyone could make!

THURSDAY, MARCH 27 After 19 years of marriage, the wife of comedian Robin Williams has filed for divorce. Was she in a coma for 18 years?

FRIDAY, MARCH 28 Today the dreamiest presidential candidate ever, Barack Obama, visited those squawking harpies on The View. Personally, we can think of no truer test for a candidate: If they're willing to throw themselves in front of the likes of Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, all while pretending Whoopi Goldberg's funny? That's not just multitasking, that's Purple Heart-worthy courage. Anyhoo, apparently our beloved Barack is distantly related to Brad Pitt—which, come to think of it, explains quite a bit, and the next time the Pitt-Obamas need a location for a reunion, they should know that the Romano residence is quite spacious, with a couple of bedrooms that can easily sleep three. Now, where were we? Oh, yes: When Barack made a witty aside that Brad had gotten the better half of the family's genes, desiccated mummy Barbara Walters jumped in, telling Barack that she thought Barack was "very sexy looking." Okay, first? EWWW. The idea of Babs thinking anyone is hot, let alone awkwardly telling them that they're "very sexy looking? Again: EWWW. Second? Bitch, back the eff off.

SATURDAY, MARCH 29 OMG, Brangelina totes got married! (Unless they didn't.) Gossip hounds worked themselves into a foaming fervor as word got out that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had finally tied the knot today at a "secret wedding ceremony" in New Orleans. Star tracked down several sources who swore that... wait. Wait a second. "Upon further investigation, the sources are not standing by their story," Star muttered, and People magazine immediately jumped in, citing a source who called the rumors "complete and utter bullshit." Even the New Zealand Herald (they have newspapers in Middle-earth?) discredited the claims, calling the rumor "complete and utter cobblers." (Hubby Kip says "cobblers" may or may not be an Elvish word. He's not sure.) So, alas, it looks like the whole thing was a lie. Maybe. Just to be on the safe side: Congrats?

SUNDAY, MARCH 30 "Hillary Rodham Clinton's cash-strapped presidential campaign has been putting off paying hundreds of bills for months," political website reported today, noting that the Clinton campaign owes tens of thousands of dollars to several small businesses—and that by refusing to acknowledge the debts, has earned "a reputation as something of a deadbeat." We believe our stance on this race has been made clear (see One Day at a Time, Friday, March 28), but all the same: Combine this story with the knowledge that Clinton's meager funds are dwindling, and, well.... Ugh. Thanks for depressing everybody, Hil. MEANWHILE... The Associated Press broke the news today that Ricky Martin, who we all sort of maybe remember from that one song a while ago, has "taken his fight against child trafficking to Cambodia." FINALLY. "Martin learned of Cambodia's child-trafficking problems in February," the story notes, adding that he joined "Oscar-winning actress Emma Thompson, Egyptian first lady Suzanne Mubarak, and other dignitaries in calling for action." So be warned, Cambodian child traffickers! Ricky Martin, Emma Thompson, and what's-her-name-from-Egypt are coming for you! Be very afraid.