MONDAY, JANUARY 4 Look, we know that the internet is killing print media—but does that mean print media has to help? This week kicked off with two magazine covers we had no intention of stomaching: Tiger Woods' Vanity Fair cover and Kate Gosselin's new hairdo gracing (?) the front of People. Celebrated photog Annie Leibovitz snapped the shot of Woods, shirtless, pumping iron, wearing a black skullcap, and looking very much like an inmate—at Space Camp. His gut is conspicuously sucked in, his arms are flabbo, and his "moobs" resemble melted votive candles. This is the man who won the AP's "Athlete of the Decade"? No wonder he can't hold onto a mistress! MEANWHILE... So have you seen Kate Gosselin's (formerly of the heinous Jon & Kate Plus Eight) new hairstyle on this week's People in your local grocery store checkout line? It's enough to make one splatter vomit into one's cart. As you undoubtedly recall, Kate's previous style was a modified bob with a volcanic eruption of bleached hair squirting out the side. Well now, according to People, Kate is "starting over"—which apparently means spending $7,000 (we crap you not) on a new 'do that flattens the volcanic eruptions, adds 36 miles of extensions to the base of her skull, and makes her look like she got caught in a downpour of slut. This is "starting over"? While common wisdom suggests that true change comes from within, perhaps Kate and Tiger should pose together on a cover. We're thinking Self-Deception magazine.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 5 The Los Angeles social elite was rocked back on their heels today upon news that Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson had mysteriously died at age 30. A well-known party gal in the town's lesbian scene, Johnson recently made tabloid news for her purported engagement to internet/reality star Tila Tequila, allegedly breaking into an ex-girlfriend's house, and having a fistfight with another ex that resulted in her hair catching on fire. Oh, Casey! Where were you all of our lives? MEANWHLE... Another minor celeb had a brush with the Grim Reaper: Comedian and Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange is in the hospital after allegedly stabbing himself NINE TIMES in a botched suicide attempt, according to the New York Post. Get well soon, Artie—and as you travel on your road to recovery, remember that while Kate Gosselin's new hairstyle is bad, it's not that bad.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6 At last night's Palm Springs International Film Festival awards ceremony, a surprising event occurred alongside an unsurprising one. Surprising: Singer Mariah Carey won an award... for acting! Unsurprising: She was wasted during her acceptance speech—as in, wasted enough to be nearly unintelligible. However, today Mariah was kind enough to explain her behavior to the press. "I don't even know what it was," she told reporters. "I heard clapping. You know, Lee [Michaels, the director of Precious] and I hadn't seen each other in a long time, and he started right in with all these inside jokes, and I was like, okay." Umm... okay. Sooo... why, exactly, were you wasted out of your gourd? "We were celebrating and having little splashes, and I hadn't eaten, and that's what it was," she continued. "We had splashes of champagne." Got it. Now that that's settled, can someone please stop splashing Mariah's champagne with splashes of PCP? MEANWHILE... According to Radar Online, Tiger Woods mistress #13 (by some accounts—though truthfully, we've lost count) Loredana Jolie Ferriolo says she will be writing a tell-all book about the golf pro, which in her words, promises to include "his healthy appetite for arranged sex, threesomes, girls next door, girl-girl, and an answer to all the rumors surrounding Woods' sexuality." We can only assume Hollywood is scrambling to film the tome, and if you ask our opinion, Denzel Washington is a shoe-in for the role of Tiger—that is, if the actor can make his moobs a tad more droopy.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 7 The writing is on the wall, and by all accounts Jay Leno's primetime gabfest on NBC is a colossal and utter failure. (Let's take a smirk pause, shall we? SMIRK.) However, rather than simply admitting that Leno's big fat ugly chin (and uglier personality) is the cause of this ratings disaster, NBC's ridiculous plan is to relocate Leno to his former 11:30 pm slot, pushing Conan O'Brien's (also faltering) Tonight Show to midnight. May we suggest a better idea? Why not dump the entire late-night lineup for a new "feel good" reality show about Al Qaeda suicide bombers attempting to blow up landmarks on American soil? (Hey, we didn't say it was the "best" idea—just a better one.)

FRIDAY, JANUARY 8 Cupid has come a month early to Hollyweird! FIRST! As reported last week, former reality TV sleazeball Jon Gosselin split from his girlfriend Hailey Glassman after she ransacked his condo and stuck a note to his dresser with a giant knife. Luckily, 32-year-old Jon has already found someone new: Morgan Christie, who, according to Radar Online, is "a 25-year-old whose family has very deep pockets." Ah. Romance. SECOND! Remember Jared Fogle, that annoying nerd who lost 245 pounds eating nothing but Subway sandwiches? Well, he's engaged! "I couldn't ask for more," Jared told a bored reporter from People, adding that he plans to marry teacher Katie McLaughlin as soon as he, um, gets back into shape. (Apparently, Jared gained over 40 pounds last year.) "I look at it is as a little bit of a hiccup," Jared said of his chubbiness. Katie McLaughlin, you are one lucky lady. THIRD! Once-famous shock rocker Marilyn Manson—now clocking in at a grandfatherly 41 years of age—is reportedly engaged to his 22-year-old girlfriend, once-famous actress Evan Rachel Wood! Gross. FOURTH! Today in Vegas, Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean proposed to his girlfriend Rochelle Deanna Karidis onstage at the Hard Rock Hotel's Wasted Space nightclub. Well, at least the venue was appropriate.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 9 Lindsay Lohan is making good on her New Year's resolution to turn over a new leaf! Last week LiLo twatted, "2010 is about moving forward, not backwards. Leaving the bad (people, habbits, and negative energy behind) time to make changes-right!?!? :)." As if to back up her words, today the BBC released a trailer for their documentary Lindsay Lohan in India, in which the actress "questions whether the increasing demand for domestic help and consumer goods by India's wealthy, coupled with the increasing poverty in rural India, means there is any solution to this abominable trade [of child trafficking]." "I'm so proud of Lindsay," her mother, Dina, gushed. "Under all the scrutiny the tabloids put her under, she is a very strong, caring, talented girl who ignores all the negative and continues to move forward in a positive direction." Congrats, Linds! We're only nine days into 2010, and you're already turning things around! MEANWHILE... This evening Lindsay Lohan hit a photographer with her car. "I want to press charges so badly," the angry paparazzi told "She's going to jail." Insert frowny emoticon here.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 10 So... remember last week, when Charlie Sheen was charged with second-degree assault? (Recap: His wife told him she wanted a divorce. Sheen responded by allegedly holding a knife to her throat and telling her, "You better be in fear... I have ex-police I can hire who know how to get the job done and they won't leave any trace.") Well, you can let out a sigh of relief—Charlie's doing just fine! "He's been incredibly professional, always, but especially in times of personal crisis," said Jon "Duckie" Cryer, who costars with Sheen on the humorless abomination called Two and a Half Men. "It's a very funny episode so it went well," Cryer said of the show Sheen filmed upon his return. "Thankfully, a good script can get everybody through awkward moments."