MONDAY, MAY 24 Guys, it's time to celebrate: Lindsay Lohan actually made it to a scheduled court appearance—and was only 10 minutes late! Naturally, this is a HUGE accomplishment for the flailing former star, who missed last week's probation progress report hearing because someone (probably her father) reportedly stole her passport, which trapped her in the absolutely hideous French Riviera in a gulag of a hotel room with piles of detestable cocaine on the coffee table. OH CRUEL FATE!! Surprisingly, the judge didn't buy LiLo's completely reasonable story, and warned her that if she missed today's hearing, she would be sent to the pokey (as in jail, not her and former lover Samantha Ronson's fave sex position). Thankfully, Lindsay arrived (almost) on time, where the judge promptly set the conditions for her bail: (1) Wear a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring bracelet on her ankle. (2) Avoid all alcohol. (3) Submit to random drug testing once a week. (4) Attend the remainder of her alcohol education classes, and (5) autograph the judge's DVD copy of Mean Girls, which is totally not for her, but her niece, and—okay not really. Naturally, Linds' tried her damndest to squirm out of the SCRAM bracelet. "Miss Lohan has a number of upcoming photo shoots, and [will be] continuing to film a movie in Texas," Lind's oily lawyer argued. "The SCRAM device would interfere with all that." Unfortunately the judge pooh-poohed their argument, which means Lindsay's new movie, Laying out by the Pool Texting SamRo and Trying to Figure out How to Fool the SCRAM Bracelet may be delayed until next year.

TUESDAY, MAY 25 Get ready to be infuriated! Worthless dickhole Jesse James—who cheated on wifey Sandra Bullock with a litany of busty skanks—was interviewed on Nightline this evening and offered an incredibly LAME excuse for his creepy infidelities. (Better turn down the volume on your "bullshit detector.") "I grew up with a huge amount of shame and fear and abandonment on my shoulders from a very young age," Jesse whined to Nightline. "[And the reason] I damaged my marriage and my life and everything else... I've basically never felt good enough for anyone." OH, PUH-LEEZE!! We haven't heard this much horseshit since the time our 11th grade boyfriend said his penis "accidentally slipped and fell" into the head cheerleader's vaheena. And yet? THE HORSESHIT CONTINUES. Jesse recalls that his dad "beat my ass pretty good a bunch of times... My whole childhood, I never had a chance to be a kid." WAAAAAHHH! Poor widdle Jesse James! Never had a chance to be a kid, which is why now he likes to parade around in Nazi garb, and exchange crabs with a never-ending lineup of cover models from Tattooed Douchebaguette magazine. (By the way, both of Jesse's parents firmly deny they ever abused him—though after his shameful performance tonight, we'll happily volunteer.)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 26 Let's check in on Lindsay Lohan's SCRAM alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet, shall we? Hmmm... so far the bracelet reports that LiLo has consumed exactly 0.0000% alcohol since donning the device on Monday. GOOD FOR YOU, LINDSAY! Wait... this just in... Us Magazine reports that a source says Lindsay was "putting tea tree oil on to fool it," as well as jabbing it with a paperclip to jam the signal. C'mon, Lindsay! We know you can do this. Stay strong and... wait. There's no need to... Lindsay, put down the bone saw!! MEANWHILE... Former reality show and internet sensation Tila Tequila has also been rumored to have a severe drug problem which includes snorting the prescription sleep aid Ambien. "She would base her entire day around it," a gabby pal told Radar Online. "She would wake up, snort Ambien, Google herself, do more, Twitter all day, and then sleep." Just wondering, but do they make these SCRAM devices for one's nose?

THURSDAY, MAY 27 Today federal officials reported that there's much more oil pouring into the Gulf of Mexico from the damaged Deepwater Horizon oil rig than previously thought. The newest guess is... (wait for it)... 12,000 to 19,000 barrels a day. That's two to five times higher than originally estimated, or roughly the same amount of Grey Goose Lindsay Lohan pours down her throat on an average weekend. (We kid... we kid... because we're petrified.)

FRIDAY, MAY 28 Matt Lauer totally had sex with a she-male! Okay, fine... maybe he had sex with a she-male. (Stupid libel laws....) Last week, singer Alexis "You've Never Heard of Me!" Houston held a press conference to deny allegations she had an affair with Today show host Lauer. (So apparently a rumor was going around, we guess?) Meanwhile, news broke today that Alexis Houston used to be Wellington Houston, "a cross-dressing singer." A source tells the New York Post, "Wellington had sex-change surgery three years ago after a man fell in love with the cross-dressing singer and paid for the operation." Meanwhile, the alleged date of her relationship with Lauer? 2007! So... carry the nine, divide the integer, multiply by pi, and... Three years?! Perhaps Lauer himself is this "man" who paid for her operation! Ta-DAH! (And they say investigative journalism is dead!)

SATURDAY, MAY 29 Last night, Diff'rent Strokes actor Gary Coleman died at age 42, after suffering a head injury earlier this week. Early today, the 74-year-old star of Easy Rider and Blue Velvet, Dennis Hopper, died, after a yearlong battle with prostate cancer. We'll be taking the rest of the day off, dears, to watch Diff'rent Strokes on DVD and demurely sip Pabst Blue Ribbon. We'll see you tomorrow.

SUNDAY, MAY 30 Do celebrity deaths, Matt Lauer's secret sex life, and the overwhelming ecological disaster have you down? Well, cheer up—the world isn't a totally terrible place! Case in point: The abomination known as Sex and the City 2 bombed! While experts expected it to milk lonely women and gay men out of $75 million this weekend, it made less than half that. Probable cause? The fact that Sex and the City's Kim Cattrall (she plays the whorey one!) is 53 years old. Just for comparison's sake, Rue McClanahan was a sprightly 49 years old when she started playing similarly whorey character Blanche on The Golden Girls. Carry the nine, divide the integer, multiply by pi, and... shudder. MEANWHILE... "Tom Cruise—desperate for a blockbuster hit—snapped while filming his latest movie," reports the National Enquirer. "Tom developed this bizarre habit of referring to himself in the third person" on the set of Knight and Day, a source gabs. "He'd say things like, 'Tom Cruise is an action star—he'd never have salsa music in a film!'" Meanwhile, Tom's child bride, Katie Holmes, felt the pressure too: "At one point, she cried, 'Tom's so stressed out that I don't know him anymore. I just don't know how much more I can take.'" Troubling news indeed—and when informed, Cruise confidant and Scientology Grand Propaganda Master Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII seemed quite upset. "This is the worst news since those Reman miners detonated a glycon bomb in the transgalactic senate!" Klaktu said, wriggling his tentacles in a most agitated manner. "I mean, I think we all know Knight and Day is going to suck. But Tom and I have shared countless conversations about the great, great salsa music of Tito Puente! Often while eating chips and salsa! We made it kind of a theme, you know. We'd call them 'Salsa Sundays.' But now... to hear that he'd say something like that...." After a long pause, Klaktu sadly stroked his loyal denobulan viperbeast and let out a soft sigh. "Sometimes it's like I don't even know him anymore," he said quietly. "I just don't know how much more I can take."