MONDAY, FEBRUARY 21 Don't expect the world's dreamiest man—that would be George Clooney, natch—to run for president anytime soon! "I fucked too many chicks and did too many drugs, and that's the truth," the swoon-worthy Clooney told Newsweek when asked if he'd ever vie for the highest office in the land. "I didn't live my life in the right way for politics." It also just wouldn't be fair, since he'd obviously win in a landslide, thereby humiliating all other potential candidates. (However, we suppose we'd let Obama serve as his vice president. We're in a generous mood today.)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 22 Speaking of dope-huffing druggies, David Arquette—still on the skids with wifey Courteney Cox—went on Oprah to blather on and on about his alcohol and drug-filled past. "I seriously started drinking probably when I was around 12," Arquette dished. "I stole pot from my father when I was eight years old." BIG WHOOP. We were nine when we stole our first pair of sparkly jellies (which we wore with zippered ankle jeans and our asymmetrical haircut)—yet we didn't grow up to be shoe addicts! (Hubby Kip, stop looking at us that way. We mean it! STOP LOOKING AT US THAT WAY!)

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 23 Quick Lindsay Lohan update! LiLo was back in court today before yet another unfair judge who is obviously jealous of her fame. The judicial jerk told her she has two weeks to decide whether or not to accept a plea deal in regard to the COMPLETELY FALSE allegations that she swiped a necklace from a Venice Beach jeweler. If she accepts the deal, she'll go to jail. If she pooh-poohs the deal, she could still go to jail if the judge thinks she violated her probation! Can someone please give this judge a role in Mean Girls 3, so he'll climb down off Lindsay's ass? THANK YOU!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 24 Okay dears, buckle up—because things are gonna start going downhill fast. Charlie Sheen hit the roof today after CBS executives decided to (at least temporarily) pull the plug on the absolutely abysmal sitcom Two and a Half Men. Infuriated, Sheen hopped on a plane with his live-in porn girlfriend Bree Olson and "marijuana bikini babe" Natalie Kenly and flew off to a private tropical island—to continue his, you know, "rehab." However, he took time during his sojourn to call in to the Alex Jones Show and utter some of the most hilarious out-of-context statements of the century. Such as: "I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time—and this includes naps—I'm an F-18, bro." Also: "We work for the pope, we murder people. We're Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be?" How complicated, indeed? And: "I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy." Oh, come on! Did he really need to bring the founding fathers into this?

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 25 "Find the most comfortable seat in the house, lean back, and watch—it's about to get really gnarly," Charlie Sheen promised in an interview with Pat O'Brien. Still slightly dismayed that CBS shut down Two and a Half Men, Sheen oh-so-delicately explained his feelings. "I put a billion dollars in the studio's pockets, and I put half a billion dollars in [producer Chuck Lorre's] pocket," Sheen said. "I should have been walking in to sandwiches, massages, and handjobs!" Sheen also claimed the battle between himself and... well, everyone is far from over. "I have an army marching behind me, to quote Eminem," he suddenly threatened. "Be patient, get focused. We are at war. There are ways to beat these clowns." Presumably the "clowns" are Two and a Half Men's producers, whom Sheen notes are "a couple of AA Nazis" who "kept getting up into my grill" and made Sheen feel as if he were "an unwelcome relative given cold coffee every night at nine o'clock." But despite that last statement, don't you dare suggest Sheen's on drugs! Sheen boasted he'd "100 percent line up for a test, in front of anyone, [the] only entrance fee is water," adding, "you can't make a claim like that unless you are sitting on absolute gold." IN RELATED NEWS... We weren't even there for that interview, and even we're slowly backing away. No sudden movements, dears.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 26 And it's not over. Sheen sent a letter to TMZ this weekend, referring to Chuck Lorre by the anti-Semitic name "Haim Levine" and calling him a "contaminated little maggot" who "can't handle my power and can't handle the truth." He continued, "I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words—imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong." He then signed his name, neglecting to do the only thing that could possibly make his note any better—dotting his "i" with either a heart or a smiley face.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 27 Tonight at the 83rd Academy Awards, The King's Speech won several Osca—ehh, to hell with it! CHARLIE SHEEN PLAYS SECOND FIDDLE TO NO ONE. "I worked with Charlie Sheen for a long time and I care about him very much," Sheen's publicist, Stan Rosenfeld, told TMZ. "However, at this time, I'm unable to work effectively as his publicist and have respectfully resigned." Sheen's gracious response? "Pussy. He's not allowed to quit, so you're fired." MOVING ON... Pffft! Like Charlie Sheen even needs a publicist! Claiming to be tired of "pretending I'm not a total, bitchin' rock star from Mars," Sheen appeared on Good Morning America and Today, insisting CBS give him a raise (from a mere $1.8 million to $3 million per episode), and an apology (preferably "publicly, while licking my feet"). He also discussed his drug use: "The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, [and] Richards just look like droopy-eyed, armless children," Sheen bragged—before making a brave and shocking revelation. "I am on a drug—it's called 'Charlie Sheen.' It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." Okay. We never thought we'd say it, but we will totally try some "Charlie Sheen," please. OH, AND... Sheen's also suing CBS. "Wouldn't you?" he explained. "I'm here to collect! They're going to lose! They're going to lose in a courtroom, so I would recommend that they settle out of court." AND THEN... When he wasn't dispensing legal advice, Sheen was sending texts from the Bahamas to Radar Online, revealing his plans for a new TV show, Sheen's Corner. "I'm close to securing a deal with HBO for a 10-show guarantee," he said. "It will be epic, all types of guests and we will focus on the truth and the absurd!" Okay. We never thought we'd say it, but we will totally watch Sheen's Corner... though we're a bit bummed it's not called Sheen's Octagon. IN RELATED AND UTTERLY UNSURPRISING NEWS... When asked about Sheen's Corner, an HBO representative told PopEater there's "no truth" to Sheen's claims, while E! reports that CBS boss Les Moonves has asked John Stamos to take over for Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Though we don't believe him for a second, Stamos denied the reports, tweeting, "Contrary to the rumors, I am not replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. However, Martin Sheen has asked me to be his son." Wow. We never thought we'd say it, but... nice one, John Stamos. Nice one.